𝐿𝑜𝓃𝓁𝑒𝓎 𝒯𝑜𝑔𝒽𝑒𝓉𝑒𝓇

Chapter 5

Dazai and I sat on the swings at a nearby playing place, rocking forwards and backwards with our feet in the sand. I had to drag him here since I felt like his condition was getting worse from day to day. Even though he claimed it to be an emotional issue only I wasn't ready to fully believe it. Or maybe I denied it only because I didn't want to feel helpless.

I didn't even know why I started to make Dazai's issues my own. Deep down I knew there was no way to actually help him and even if I could I wouldn't gain anything from it. Still, my mind was craving for him to share his thoughts with me. I had this desire to listen to him complain about himself and how cruel the world was all day long. 

People say happiness is attractive. Your mind will automatically feel attracted to happy people because they'll make you feel better about yourself. But why didn't this apply to me at all? Why did happiness make me feel so uncomfortable most of the time while I found so much pleasure in the complaints of this mentally retarded man? 

"If there was one thing you could wish for, what would it be?" Dazai asked and pulled me out of my thoughts. I shrugged "There's nothing specifically. Why do you want to know?" There was no way Dazai wanted to do me a favor without any backhanded thoughts to it. He sighed and ran one of his hands through his hair looking slightly frustrated at my answer.

"I want to repay you. I want to do at least one last good thing before-" he stopped and looked down at his shoes. "Before what?" I asked, "You really are sick, aren't you? Are you going to... die?" There was a long silence.

With a strong breeze cold air was blown into our faces and left our cheeks and noses with a slight blush. The wire ropes from the swings were so cold that it hurt to touch them and with every second we spent in silence they grew a little colder.    

"When you say I'm sick I know that you picture it as a physical issue. It's not like that. I think if I'll be able to repay you for everything then maybe I'll be able to die in peace. That might be a selfish wish, but you already figured that I'm not doing this for you, right?" Dazai guessed still avoiding to look up at me.

"What do you mean repay me? I've never once done something for you" I argued. He laughed slightly. A real laugh, holding both pain and happiness "You might have your own backhanded thoughts to it, but you let me stay over whenever I wanted to. You even let me share my thoughts without judging me, right? It might be hard for you to admit but you did take good care of me."

I titled my head, looking at him with confusion. Everything I did was out of self-interest, right? Whenever I would see him around the house, I let him be only to avoid conflict. And whenever I would seem concerned about his mental state it was because I tried to fill the void in my chest with his suffering.

Did it not matter to him at all if my intentions weren't pure? Maybe it was because he was using me only for his own comfort. To him I was only someone to vent to while that was exactly what I craved about him so much. His words. His suffer. Maybe that was the only thing that connected us after all.

But that one night when he stayed over was different. That night I took him with me into the empty space where my mind would find shelter from the outside. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel alone. I couldn't tell what I had felt that night, but it was more than just a mere craving for words. 

✎ Author's Note: 

By the way that GIF up there is from Howl's Moving Castle. Y'all better go watch it if you haven't seen it because it's really good. Also, sorry that most of the GIFs really don't fit the vibe of the story lmao.