The Life of an Unknown Mind

The Final Goodbye

Hello and welcome to my mind. We will start of simple, you see on the outside I am always happy but on the inside I'm slowly fading away into the darkness and I don't know how much more I can take. I lie here awake in the dead of night when It's the quietest because I cannot find the off switch to my brain and it's beginning to hurt. I really am trying to fight the urge but I fear I may lose this battle in my mind. Two devils on my shoulders while the angel was corrupted by pain and misery that no one ever sees, and I think to myself what is the point of living if you can't enjoy the things you have. Music is and escape don't let anyone tell you differently because then they are lying. the darkness circles and slowly begins taking up all of the emptiness around me and the voices, these damn voices won't shut up. it's like they feed off of my pain, they feed off of me and I can't stop it, please help me, don't let me fall.

The cuts never seem deep enough anymore but I'm scared it's already too much as the rich red liquid spills from my veins, the liquid once circulated around my body with each beat of the heart. I watch as I see it pulsing from the canvas that is my body and a wave or relief surrounds me, suddenly the dark no longer seems scary, suddenly the darkness is welcoming and warm but that feeling lasts for only a moment when it fades. Fades away slowly and the fear and worry resurfaces and the numbness is gone. After the first time I was addicted, each night one more than the last, each night the red paint spilling from the paintbrush in a way that makes all the suffering and pain vanish only for a split second.

My pain smeared on a canvas of paper as it slowly seeps through just as the pain in my mind does straight to my soul. You can't stop it until it's too late and your lying fading back into the darkness. The darkness now my friend I visit each night, the voices drowned by the sound of sweet melodies played in my ears, the sound of what could be, the sound of my wishes and dreams. I wish I could be happy, I wish this would all disappear, I wish I wasn't me.

As the music fades the voices rise again to the surface stinging like an open wound, screaming to be seen, screaming for help from someone who isn't me, Why? Because my solution is only temporary, my solution is Darkness smothering me like a fire blanket on a ferocious flame that are quickly rising to cause the worst destruction. I wondered why?

Why wouldn't it stop?

Why can't I leave?

Then the excuses given to me by other people, because to many people love you.

To many people rely on you.

That would be selfish.

Well do you know what if people did really love me and that's a big IF then they would notice. They would notice my silent agony, my silent pain, the silence that surrounds me daily. They would notice me slip in and out of reality into fantasy.

I think it's them being selfish not letting me be happy, not letting me leave. Holding me hostage to my mind and throwing away the key with no notion to help, but to watch me suffer and laugh at all my pain as if they don't experience it too. Maybe not to the same extent but slowly catching up, slipping further and further into the dark hole where I live, I can see them but they just don't know it.

Everyone has darkness just some people have more darkness than others, you can tell who those people are because you all do the same thing, you smile and laugh as if nothing is wrong but wait till night when the darkness comes and you succumb to its endearing arms. It keeping you safe and warm is a familiar place in which you wish to escape but can't because it shows you the love and patience you want from the people that 'Love you'. It shows you your happy ending and understands you in ways no one else does, all they see is sadness but it's much more than that.

Acceptance is the first step to recovery, a step in which I fail to pass it's as though I'm stuck, no safe because I fear change, I fear what I would lose, my safety blanket, my true friend, the one who listens to my tears, the one who comforts me, the one who loves me. I thank them every night, and struggle to leave them during the day but another friend appears the physical embodiment of my safe place.

Thank you My pillow for understanding and helping me all these years but I wish to move on, I wish to never leave, I wish to always remember the nights we shared but there is someone else someone stronger someone who has experienced it all more, one that helps you move on. This person is never renewed after many years, the memories with them never leave like they do with you.

That person is Death and I welcome them with open arms and an open heart. I truly am sorry for letting you fall in love with my silence and soak up my pain. But with every new adventure comes more and more pain and unfortunately I have outgrown what you have to offer and I require more just as I have grown. You will always stay with me but the feeling never as strong as the bond fades just as I do into darkness but now with my eyes open, holding out my hand to death as she carefully caresses it with her soft hands with a soft smile upon her distorted face and with a new found comfort that you failed to give.

Sorry for breaking your heart.

Love Mind