It's Not All Roses

Chapter 5

My weeks seemed to be very long. I could feel each minute ticking by, and I hated it. I started feeling worse and worse. I didn't text people as much, and found myself wanting to be alone more often, which I knew wasn't normal. I wanted to talk to Dominic about my feelings and current state, but I knew it made him uncomfortable, so I stayed quiet and kept smiling. I dealt with the days as they came, hiding the struggles that came throughout. Harry began to notice that something was wrong with me, and started helping me through everything. It did make things a little better and easier, but I still had that pain deep down. I slowly started to become unaware of it's existence again. I couldn't feel it anymore. I started becoming happier again. it made the days start going faster again, until I got dragged into things again. That's when the pain started to show again. This time, it wasn't just me feeling pain. I could tell that Dominic was also feeling something. I kept checking up on him, but he kept saying he was fine. He kept spending more time with Gianna again. I couldn't even look at Gianna anymore. Just thinking about her made me sick.
I wasn't feeling like myself anymore. I felt like an entirely different person. As these new feelings rose, the more painful ones fell. I felt happy, but not in a good way, if that makes any sense. I felt happiness from the new pain I was feeling. Harry helped me to try to overcome the new feeling, but it was just so strong. It was hatred. I then realized something. Gianna was trying to mess with my head, because she knew she could.
Ever since elementary school, Gianna an I have been best friends. she knew more about me than anyone. She knew just what made me break, and her goal was to get me to snap. I had to stay calm. I couldn't let her get to me. If she did, I would lose my friends, my boyfriend, and every bit of pure happiness I had left. I told Harry about it all. I had to. If it was going to end this way, I wanted to save at least something.
The next day in ELA, I asked Dominic what his weekend plans were. I figured he would be staying with me like usual. Wrong.
"I'm gonna stay at your place tonight, then I'm gonna spend Saturday and Sunday with Gianna." He said.
The feeling of jealousy and hatred was rising yet again. I wanted to talk to him about my feelings so bad, but I couldn't, so instead I just left to the bathroom in between classes and locked myself in a stall. After a few seconds, silent tears began to stream down my face. I hated this new side of me, but I could feel it would take more than a good cry to get rid of it. at this point, I didn't even know if it would ever go away. I feared that it may just be there forever. That I would be that horrible person for the rest of my life. Now that scared me. I left the stall and cleaned my face before heading to class. I just needed to get through the day. That's all I needed. I sat down at my desk and began to draw tiny raindrops on a piece of previously crumbled paper. It made me calmer.
When I got home that afternoon, I went out to my garden. It was the place I went whenever I wanted or needed time to myself. I would water my plants, then put on some calm music. Sometimes, on nice days, I would even play my flute. I got a call from my mom shortly after I went inside. I answered. My mother then informed me that I wouldn't be able to come home at 6:00 that night, and that I had to stay with my father all weekend.
I was beyond upset. Not only would I not get to see my boyfriend and mother all weekend, but that also meant he would most likely spend the whole weekend with Gianna, meaning I would barely even get to hear from him. I was right. That whole weekend, I barely heard from him at all. It wasn't such a bad thing, though. It let me spend more time with my father, stepmother, and stepsister. It was weird at first, but I liked it. I usually disliked family time and would have much rather been texting or on the phone with a friend. When I got back to school on Monday, I found myself actually excited for the day. It felt like some of the stress I felt before was disappearing. I was able to go through the whole day with a smile. I hadn't been able to do that in a while.
Distancing myself from Gianna felt really good, and gave me the time I needed to get back into the correct mindset. I began to find myself more motivated to do things. Instead of laying around alone, I went out with friends, did school work, and even dyed my hair black. All of these things made me feel happy, but another thing stood in my way. My father. He hated the fact that I dyed my hair, he hated my friends, and he still complained about my grades. I found myself losing my motivation again. I suddenly felt like I was back in that same spot I was two years ago. The same one that Molly put me in after one of our break-ups. I felt heartbroken. I realized that nothing I had done was actually helping me. It was only helping me hide what I was feeling deeper down. I never actually got better, I just hid the things I feared further and further down. I felt dumb. All this time, I thought I was getting better. Hah, silly me.