As my eyes fluttered shut I focused on a memory I tried so hard to forget. A memory that brought me so much happiness that it actually hurt.
"Asta, your daddy was amazing," I thought to myself.
I could see him smiling back at me, feel him running his fingers through my hair, along with all the goosebumps that scattered across my back as he moved closer.
"Don't you want to just lay here all day," I whispered softly pressing my lips against his.
I could feel his warmth, his touch gradually feel more intense as he pulled me close. The summer breeze was blowing through the window, and his skin was glowing in the sunlight. He smelt of cedar, vanilla, sage, and lavender all mixed into one person.
I may have forgotten his voice, but I made it a point to remember his scent. Sometimes it seems so strong, as if he's really with me, but disappears in just a moment.
See Terrance was creative, and even in my dull moments he seemed to make everything bright. I use to see that same creativity in Asta's school work, as she played, and communicated with her family.
Each night he'd come home he'd lift me off the couch, and would spin me around. Sometimes I would laugh, but more often than not I'd take the moment for granted. I'd beg him to let go, and to put me down so that I could relax.
It's funny, because that's all I seem to do anymore. Except this time, on a cold concrete floor.
He'd make me breakfast in bed, he'd run me candle lit baths, bring me random gifts, and even went as far to surprising me with a bed full of roses on our anniversary night.
Such a big heart. It's the same one I see in Asta, and how she cares for her baby brother. I just wish she knew how much she resembled him in the most beautiful ways, but I just don't have the heart to tell her.
How could I?
Everything definitely seemed to be a giant party to them both, but there was a darkness to Terrance. A crippling disease that ate away his soul, and one day our love was gone. Just as I disappeared from reality.
Just 3 weeks after I realized I was pregnant with my sweet Asta, the disease took Terrance. Asta never got to meet his beautifully bright soul, never felt his loving energy, but she inherited every once of love that man held inside of him. Not only that, but she has his eyes, his tickling laughter, and caring heart.
She loved with every bit of her soul, and seeing her today just tears me into pieces. As a mother I could only want the best for my children, and it's my fault she can't have that. It's my fault she's suck here, and it's my fault Carlo will only know of the outside through stories.
How do I tell my daughter?
Do I just wait until she's older?
It's just, sometimes I feel as though she should know who she is. Who her father was before he disappeared, and what she can become.
I want her to be amazing, and even if I can't... I want her to know it's possible to break free. Then again there are so many questions I have left unanswered, that I've been meaning to answer...but even on the outside that seemed difficult.
*BOOM*
I opened my eyes, to find myself in a dark foggy room. This one seemed larger, it had carpet, but no window. The walls felt like concrete, the door was made of some sort of heavy metal. No furniture. No beds.
Then I found something I never thought I'd see again.
A light switch.
And- oh wow! a working light bulb!
My eyes hurt just by turning it on, but finally I could see my babies! I could finally free them from the darkness.
They looked so dirty, but I didn't care. All I could do is grab them both, and wrap them into my arms.
"Thankyou," I cried with happiness," Thankyou!"
Asta began to giggle as she pulled away from my hug, then she pointed into the farthest corner from us. Tipped over in the corner, was her Barbie sitting on top of a plush grey blanket.
