Moral of the Story || seongsang · 2ho

12. Blitz

"'Yunho Hyung,' Jongho asked as they laid together the next morning. 'how did you know last night, know to come?'

Yunho was playing with his hair again. 'It was the bond,' he said, thinking back to the previous day. 'My forearm began to itch and my head felt foggy, so I just knew.'

'Oh. . .' Jongho was in awe. 'I'm caught between apologizing and saying that's really cool that our bond works so well.'

'Well I say it's really cool that our bond is functioning.' The older laughed. 'We really were lucky to meet so young.'

A knock preceded Hye-jin as she entered the room with a tray. The boys bowed their heads in greeting Good morning, Eomma, and the tray was placed on the bedside table. 'Mama and I made some food,' she said. 'You guys stay up here as long as you want.'

Eomma winked at Jongho as she left and he groaned.

'Thank you, Eomeoni!' Yunho called after her, laughing at his Soul's reaction.

Eating an egg sandwich as he handed Jongho the coffee, Yunho began to speak. 'How long have you been feeling this bad?'

Jongho knew this was coming, but still, it wasn't a comfortable topic. 'I don't know really, like it gets worse and better. But I've never tried to hurt myself before. . .'

'You know, my love,' Yunho looked at him. 'As much as other people tell you you're an adult, it's okay to still feel like a child. You're very young, still a teenager. I certainly didn't feel like an adult at 19; honestly, I barely feel like it now.' The older chuckled at himself. 'I just know I'm getting better, we know we're getting better. . .When you feel bad, what helps you feel safer?'

Jongho thought back to all the times he felt crushed, what would bring him back? 'Um. I guess physical touch, cuddling especially, with a person. And strong smells, like incense or cologne or salts.' He tried to think. 'Just closing my eyes and accepting my feelings sometimes, too.'

'That's good,' The taller replied, still caressing his hair.

The next day, Yunho showed up on the Choi porch with scented bath salts, incense and matches (just to be safe), and his own hoodie doused in as much cheap cologne as it could handle.

Jongho decided the hoodie was banished to the corner of his room until the stench calmed down.

'Yeah, I may have overdone that.' Yunho laughed awkwardly.

'Yun-ah,' Jongho smiled, 'have I ever told you how beautiful you are?' He wrapped his arms around the taller.

'Once or twice.' Yunho smirked. He picked the smaller off the floor as their lips met. Carrying him, they sat on the bed with Jongho straddling. Yunho kissed down his cheek, around his mark before parting.

As their heads rested together, Jongho was smiling his full little smile and, after so much time, it made Yunho's insides clench like when they were kids.

But Yunho had to leave in the afternoon, and Jongho had no distraction from his thoughts.

He could've, should've, gotten better. If he had just allowed himself to relax and fully accept the love that was given. But he refused to believe he was worth the love. He hadn't loved himself in a long time, and had forgotten how. As much as he wanted to trust that other people loved him, Jongho only saw how illogical it was.

Illogical merely from his view.

He couldn't see it from Yunho's perspective, from Eomeoni and Mama's perspective, from Appa and Eomma Jeong's perspective.

In constant flight or flight, Jongho didn't see how illogical it was to refuse to forgive himself. How illogical it was to not try harder to love himself and leave behind the guilt he felt over his failings.

Hye-jin, after much coaxing and in league with Yunho, got her son in to see a lovely psychiatrist just after his twentieth birthday. He was prescribed flouxetine; this, he at first refused to take.

Jongho had already started university that fall; his soccer scholarship agreed to allow him a half load for the first semester, due to personal reasons. . ."

~~~

Yeosang had finished his ice cream and espresso by now. (He had mixed the two together.) Yunho also had emptied his coffee mug and was onto the wine glass.

Yunho trailed off, heavy hearted, and didn't know if he could continue the story.

Yeosang looked up, concern lacing his voice. "Are you okay, Uncle?"

"Yeah. . ." He sighed. "It's just that, with it being Jongho's birthday. . . It's just hard to talk about."

And Yeosang felt his heart drop. These days must be harder for Yunho, and he was all alone. . . Next year, Yeosang would make sure to spend this date with his uncle.

"I'll be right back, bathroom break after all that coffee," Yunho winked and Yeosang laughed lightly.

"It was mostly just water!" The younger called after him.

Sitting on the toilet, Yunho thought of those last few weeks with his Soul. Tears began to fall, but this time neither Byul nor Mingi were there to cry into. He got off the seat and pulled up his pajamas, not wanting to have such serious, such beautiful, thoughts with his pants down.

It was forty years ago and still, he cried.

Jongho-ah, he begged, my love, protect Yeosang. I don't know if I can continue. . .

Yunho knew what self-hatred could do, and he was scared of it for his nephew. Jongho explained it to him once. . .

It's like a bomb. Jongho said. When a bomb hates itself, it wants to be gone, to destroy itself and just be rid of itself. And some people are like that. When I lash out, I don't mean to hurt people. When I hurt myself I don't mean to hurt you or Eomma or Mama. But when a bomb explodes, it doesn't mean to hurt anyone either. It simply explodes because it doesn't know any better. It's a bomb. So when I yell at you, or anyone, please, don't think I'm upset with you. Please forgive me.

But somehow, Yunho doesn't think Jongho ever forgave himself.

He washed his hands before splashing his face with the leftover water. Drying, he begged again into the universe, Jongho-ah.

Cuddling back under the duvet, Yeosang asked if he was okay to continue, "We don't have to," he said.

But Yunho shook his head, we're almost done. "I'm ready if you are, Yeosang-ah."

And Yeosang smiled a bittersweet smile, he, too, could feel they were nearing the end.

"Yeosang-ah,' Yunho breathed. "I'll tell you about our last day together."

***

A/N: 1-8-22 feel like I'm doing algebra trying to keep all their ages straight throughout ⬇️

1-12-22 at the top picture we have Dr. Jeong bc he's like Jongho's physician 🤧🤧

1100 words