Arcanum

MY UNSAID VOW.

i'm sorry in advance LMAO
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Hey, Vi. It's been a year now.

I visited your grave yesterday, and I said a lot of things. I hope you heard them, because I was crying a lot. I miss you like anything.

Sometimes I can't get up. I just sit in bed, and think about you.

There will never be anyone else like you.

I think about your lips, and your laugh, and your eyes. I think about the way you would hold me after sex, relishing in the vulnerability. Of being in your arms, all walls down.

How you would giggle and kiss me gently, like a fragile little thing.

How you would trail your fingers down my back, tracing every scar and tattoo. How you would kiss my shoulder blades, whispering I-love-yous.

How I would play with your hair in my lap, in bliss. How I would stare into your eyes for hours, entranced by your sweet words and broad laugh.

How you tasted against me. Heady, sweet, strong, gentle, like the sky. How you felt against my skin, like clouds and lullabies.

How your eyes were so full of light and love. How your fingers held the world in them. How your heart was so warm and cold at the same time.

How you would fearlessly protect me, and I you. How you would get so angry at me for small things, your words cutting deep like a knife. You would tell me to give you a moment as you collected your thoughts, apologizing. Then you'd come back to me, and we'd talk for hours.

How you would kiss every inch of me, claiming me as yours. How you would breathe sweet nothings into my ear, holding me oh so tight.

How you would get so happy when I bought you flowers, kissing me rough and never letting go.

We were afraid, of the future. Loss, commitment, pain. But it all seemed less daunting when we were with each other. We were in deep. This will always be my first and last love story, even if I am never able to say the words again, even if we can't live happily ever after.

You will always be my favorite memory. Now, there will always be a gate around my heart. If I'm being honest, losing you will always be the greatest, most heart breaking loss of my life. One I will never recover from.

Denial cannot erase this love.

Before you, I had never understood love songs and sappy poems, they were not for me. My heart had never found a home in someone else.

Then one day, I was writing them about you.

Writing them about nights we'd spend in each other's arms as children. In Vander's makeshift home for the broken.

Writing them about how I clung to you so tight, only to be wrenched away after Vander died. About how I thought you were dead for years, except now....you really are. And it is something I can't wrap my head around, the thought of you being gone.

I was writing about about how seeing you come back from Stillwater was a breath of fresh air. The words int be pages were inscribed in my heart, also.

I remember how you hugged me so tightly, how I cried into your shoulder, and you sobbed my name. I thought you were dead, and now you really are.

I had never thought about sharing my future with someone. I find myself tearing up over the beauty held in song lyrics. I find a smile creeping upon my face when reading love poems, as if they were written just for us.

Now, I dream about weddings and "some days" that have been ripped from my mind. A future I could have shared with you.

People have told me, that they loved me before, but it never meant anything until it came from your lips, muffled by my shoulders or my hair.

Thank you, for showing me patience, because I had to sit through your anger and your sadness.

Thank you, for meeting my insecurities with kindness, when I showed to you for the first time. For looking into my tired eyes with your own, and offering a place to rest.

Thank you for keeping me warm, and holding me when things got too heavy.

Thank you for hearing me, seeing me, loving me.

Thank you, Vi. I will always love you, and only you.

Until we meet again, here is my unsaid vow to you. One that I will never get to say to you in front of family and friends. Only in my head.

Sincerely and always yours,
-Cupcake.