Of Lies And Deceit and Hidden personas An Fanfiction.net Story

ch. 52💜

Chapter 52

Harry appeared in his living room and everything crashed down on him, he dropped to the floor and stared listlessly at the wall. He couldn't believe this had happened to him. He didn't know how this had happened to him. It had started off so simple. A desire that was unreachable at first, but then the tides had changed and it became a dangerous game to play and a selfish pleasure. And now… now it was love. Love that he had been too blind to see happening and it was too late. He had fallen in love with the Dark Lord and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. It was so obvious and now it was too late. Worst of all, he had realised the exact time when he had blurted it out to Tom's face.

The man was famous for sneering at the mere thought of love, who scorned and mocked Dumbledore's belief in love and called it nothing but lies and weakness. And Harry had gone and told him he loved him. He'd slammed their connection closed because he could not bear to feel the disgust or disdain that would be emanating from Tom at his confession. It was like as soon as the words had left his mouth Harry felt everything start to crash down around him, and almost wanted to laugh hysterically at his past self's words the previous day. His so-called resolve to stay away from Tom just became a Hel of a lot easier because no doubt Tom would not want to be near him, just as Harry realised that he didn't want to stay away at all. Merlin, just remembering Tom's frozen expression made him want to throw up.

It was over. Done. Finished. He would never kiss or touch Tom again, he couldn't just go over and find him for whatever reason, he couldn't go and cook and share a meal with him, and he would have to watch the man everyday knowing that he was in love with him and it couldn't do anything about it. It felt like someone had their hand in his chest and was squeezing, tearing, ripping at his heart and crushing his lungs so he couldn't breathe. Harry felt his eyes burn and something trail down his face, he reached up to feel and found it was tears. He was crying. He tried to stop them but the more he tried the more they came. And it hurt. A choked sound escaped him and he realised it was a sob. He had never felt like this before, most of his emotions were beyond his comprehension as it was, but this was something entirely new. Harry wanted to fold in on himself and he gripped his hair; why did this happen? Why did it hurt so much? Even Tom's name made his breath catch painfully.

He could never have Tom for himself, he couldn't love the man freely and it wouldn't be accepted even if he tried. Harry couldn't handle these feelings, they were overwhelming him, swarming his mind and his mind flickering to the last time he remembered crying, the last time he had been so scared, so lost. His cupboard. Darkness. Safety. He needed to hide. Harry ran to his room and huddled under the covers, where it was dark and enclosed, where it was safe. He could get through this, he just needed to hide and forget all about his feelings. He needed to get rid of the pain, but it wouldn't go away. It kept swarming him, and Harry gasped harshly, his breath catching as the reality sank in to him and he cried. He gave up trying to push the tears away, it just wasn't working and he felt his entire being scream out at the injustice of everything. Why? Why was he so fucking screwed up that he couldn't even recognise that he was in love with Tom? Why hadn't he had a shred of self-control when it came to the man? Why had he let this happen? It was too much. He didn't want this, he didn't need this. He just needed himself, himself and his darkness.

Harry was so distracted that he didn't notice Luna's presence until she breached his newly labelled sanctuary and he came face to face with her open concern.

"Harry!" She whispered in shock, her voice shaking when she saw the fresh tear tracks and the utter pain in his eyes. "What happened?" Harry shook his head, not knowing how to explain what had happened but needing to. It was like the words were stuck in his throat, as if his body wouldn't let them out because saying them out loud would make it real. Luna, if possible, became even more worried at the state of her brother, this was not like him and she couldn't gleam anything from her usual ability to know everything; and she hadn't seen this coming.