Whispered Kiss

The Headlights of Death

I sat perched on the couch's handle, staring at the door, my foot tapping to the tick-tock rhythm of the overhead wall clock. Dianna exited from the kitchen, a half-eaten apple in her hand. She froze mid-way and sighed.

"Don't look so glum, Ave! The perks are bound to be amazing." Dianna winked, and took a bite of her apple. "Besides, business trips frequently happen in bigger companies. You were bound to go on one with your job description. You're this Vivian woman's right-hand now. You need to learn."

"I'm not ready, not in the least." I complained, despite knowing this trip and experience could be valuable to my work life in Affinity Black. However, my reasons for not wanting to go went far beyond simple unwillingness. Dianna gave me a long look and chewed on her apple.

"Ave, I understand. This must be scary. After everything, going into the world must be frightening, but you survived. You chose to stand up even if the circumstances pushed you down, and you've already taken giant leaps. More will propel you further into a better future. You have to see all these new challenges as stepping stones to a better you."

I sat stock-stiff, holding back mountains of guilt which tried to claw their way through the moment. Oh, Dia, if you only knew. She had a point to an extent. I did feel scared, paranoid, and hesitant. Sure, I survived, but I didn't leave the other side as strong and intact as Dianna imagined. I lost myself and still stood in the darkness, broken, haunted, and unable to stand up. I lied to Dianna. I lied to myself. I didn't take giant leaps in healing but rather flopped along, doing nothing short of existing. What else could I do when the nightmare hasn't ended? I believed the job at Affinity Black would provide me with a way to gradually ease back to life and perhaps find myself, but this trip wasn't the little tasks Vivian once told me I'd be doing. The trip would no doubt toss me into the deep end and a horrible inclination told me I would sink.

"I can see the internal battle your having with yourself, Ave. But, don't you think it's time to give yourself a break?" Dianna marched over to me, half eaten apple and all. Her olive hands tightened around my shoulders. Her straight-tipped nose grazing mine. A fierce determination embedded in her gaze. If she could pound sense into me, I'm sure she would have taken pleasure in doing so.

"Most PA's are stuck in a dull office but working at Affinity Black- learning the ropes- It gives you an opportunity not only to climb the corporate ladder, but to go places, see the world. All you need to do is give it a try before stamping it as a failure." She patted down my right shoulder, "I hate to tell you, but you need a little adventure and some hot sex."

She pulled me into a long bear hug, "I'm sure it's going to be okay. Who knows, you might even get to enjoy the trip," Dianna straightened, "I need to get back to work, my lunch break is almost over. Call me when you've arrived?"

I nodded with a lump in my throat and watched as Dianna grabbed her purse from the end table, fished her keys out of it and march to the front door.

I gulped back the lump and stood up. "Dia. Thank you. You're a true friend."

Dianna paused in her actions and glanced back with a teary smile. I could see the appreciation radiating in her eyes. She pushed back from the door and rushed to me, giving me another hug. I hugged back with all my strength and once we were done, Dianna left. We didn't need a thousand words to express our feelings because we understood each other. We were sisters not just friends. Because of this, more guilt washed over me.

How hard have I been trying? Did I truly give it my best shot to try and regain my life in the last few days? Or did I simply self-sabotage all the way? I exhaled. Could it all be a simple mind over matter situation? Whatever the case, I could either call Vivian and be a rude-ass who quit or go on the trip and take Dianna's suggestion not to judge the experience before living it. If it could somehow atone for my lies toward Dianna, I'd go with pleasure.