begin again?

why? just why?

the team was in the beanery eating when I walked in and sat down. Morning cap miller said playfully punching my arm. not so loud miller I said referring to my still very hungover self. Which caused everyone to laugh. here vic said handing me a water bottle and some ibuprofen. i replied with a smile taking the medication. Hey guys ripley is stopping by the station to introduce our new battalion chief today so I'll assign chores later I said exiting the barn. i stopped by the front desk on my way to my office to pick up some paperwork when I felt two small arms wrap around my legs. hi mommy ella said as I bent over to pick her up hey baby girl I said. where's Ryan? I asked knowing he was supposed to drop her off at the station. he's coming but he was taking sooo long my five year old said exaggerating the "o" in so. seconds later ryan walked in. hey ands Ryan said giving and a kiss on the cheek. here is her bag ryan said handing over a pink sparkly backpack. okay thank you ry and said giving him a hug. after ryan left andy and Ella did some coloring in Andy's office. that's when ripley walked. uncle luke!! Ella said running out to greet luke. hey princess where's your momma? Luke asked. she's in her office Ella said walking back into Andy's office. Andy and the rest of 19 had went to the fire academy together and Robert and ripley were their instructors so everyone was super close. well after Robert left andy no one really even made the effort to make contact with Robert but the rest remained close. hey luke! I said while putting Ella into my bunk for her nap. hey andy luke said quietly. what's wrong? i asked unsure if where this was going. so you know how the new battalion chief is coming today right? Luke asked me. yeah I said still confused on where this was going. it's Robert luke said avoiding my eyes. w-what? I asked making sure I understood the statement luke had just made. Robert Sullivan is our new battalion chief luke said. so I'm going to have to see that bastard again? i said trying to hold my tears. I'm really sorry Andy I tried to stop the transfer but it was to late he said while pulling me into a hug. i held onto him like my life depended on it when suddenly I thought about Ella. I mean she never asked about her dad so I hoped I wouldn't have to explain it so soon. After a minute or two luke pulled away I've already informed the team they know not to say anything about Ella luke reassured her. That's when luke got a text. i heard his phone go off does that mean he's here I asked. yeah luke sighed I guess we better go line up luke said wrapping his arm around me as we entered the barn. shortly after we entered robert walked in. hey everybody it's nice to see you again robert said but he was only met with death stares from the entire team. i refused to make eye contact robert was the love of my life no doubt and I couldn't even look at him with the way he left. after a few minutes of silence I decided to speak. well I have to go take Ella to her dentist appointment so ripley will be your fill in captain today I said faking a smile. i knew I had just revealed my daughter in front of Robert but I really wasnt going to make Ella stay in my office all day like she grew up at nineteen and I'm not going to take her aunts and uncles away from her. Ella was still napping and her appointment was for another hour and I was off shift I decided to head to the coffee cart down the street before Ella's appointment. when I walked into the beanery I saw maya. hey maya I'm gonna run down to the coffee cart but Ella is still napping so could you just check in her in like five mintues? I asked yeah sure maya gave me a soft smile. Andy? Maya asked. Yeah? I asked turning around. how are you doing with this whole thing? maya asked her voice filled with sympathy. you know maya I don't even know how to feel I'm angry at him for how he left and heartbroken he felt the need to leave but also I'm kind of relieved I said. relieved? maya asked confused. I've always loved Robert I still love Robert I confessed and after he left I just never knew if he was okay or what had happened to him and now he's here and it's all just a little bittersweet I said. yeah maya said giving Andy a hug before leaving the beanery. You love me? i heard a familiar voice say....