Uncontrolled

8

Your POV

That day is coming.

It might still be a few months ahead, but it's coming and with each day that passes, it's like I lose myself some more. It's all I can think about anymore.

The subject is already on TV, in the newspapers, on the radio, in everyone's mouth, there's no running away from it, no matter how hard I try to stay oblivious to it. It runs after me, tries to remind me of my guilt, as if I'm not already doing that every single day of my life.

The earthquake. The day I took so many lives in an attempt to save myself.

It was the day my parents messed up so bad that it made me destroy everything that I knew, everything that was my reality.

No matter where I look around me, it's all people talk about.

The theories, how it happened, why it happened, how terrible it was, all the pain it caused, some of my coworkers sometimes found crying because it reminds them of their lost children, of their lost family members, I'm right in the middle of it all.

Even Bo-young who lost her brother because of me when he was all she had, I took that from her and to see the nostalgic glaze to her eyes? It manages to make the constant thrum of pain in my soul that won't leave me anymore that much stronger.

Sung-kyung's words keep flashing back in my mind, the way she got angry at me, something that somehow managed to put a strain on our friendship, our meetings now only when she's driving me back home at the end of the day, Eunwoo taking care of the mornings, but even to that, I don't know how I feel anymore, every emotions so muted, like I'm just... being alive, but not living anymore.

It's actually a relief to feel so disconnected for once, to not have so many emotions fighting within me. The whole world could judge me that I wouldn't give a shit right now, my ability to just... feel taking a trip somewhere in the Bahamas for the summer and giving me a break.

The only thing that remains though... guilt.

That one is a deadly virus, one that doesn't want to let go of me. Its grip is stronger than the grip I have on myself and I don't know what to do anymore, the way quicksand keeps swallowing me up until I disappear entirely terrifying me more and more.

I wave goodbye to Eunwoo, the friendship we could've build if I was myself nowhere existent because of the way I've been keeping to myself, and I can see it in his eyes, the worry, the regret, the need to help, but even him doesn't know how, no one does.

Bo-young sees me enter work and she frowns in concern as she reaches my side, an arm around my back to support me as we walk to my desk, something I appreciate because I feel so weak, no strength left in my body.

My nightmares nowadays have been often and terrible, I can't sleep anymore, it must be starting to show.

"Y/N-ie... You can't keep going like this, I'm really worried now, please talk to me" she begs as I sit down with an exhausted huff, the coffee in front of my eyes, one that clearly comes from the boys, a similar one on her desk something that has my heart breaking some more, because gosh I miss them.

I don't want to, but to deny it would be... worse than what I'm doing to myself. I really miss them.

Everyone around us tries to pretend like they're not listening, they really do try to ignore the conversation about to happen but they themselves can't help but throw us some looks, some with worry, some with plain curiosity, the need to gossip spilling out of them without shame.

I know I've been looking like a mess, far from what I looked like before the incident. Taking care of myself has reached a new low and I'm barely managing to put enough makeup on so that I don't get kicked out of work.