Dreamer

Broken dreams

I felt broken, worthless and just overall like crap. It ruined everything, why was I so stupid? Why did I think that it wouldn't change a thing.. if I could go back and not send that message I would of. To even begin to think I was good enough for him, pfft that was a dream, better snap back into reality. That's exactly what I had to do. I had to act like what happend didn't kill me inside, like everything was fine all the same, even when people asked me how it all was going. Rumors went around and everyone knew our situation and now everyone thinks I'm a liar who made up a fantasy world and lived in it.

This all happens so quickly... it makes me sad so sad. My past has come back it, crawled through the thick walls I tried to hide it behind. No one knows about this part of me except him, but like he's gonna care now. He left in the first place which is why I'm here stronger than before. I was scared of this happening again but it feels like home in a twisted way..

He also felt like home, the kind of home that's 2 arms and a heartbeat, the kind you can tell anything and everything to and they just listen and care. I just wanna be in his arms forever. I know why would I want to be in his arms if he left. That's because I still trust him with everything that he won't tell anyone. I don't trust him with not leaving again cause he already did that. He does these things once in a while though, like he will make me feel all happy and special and worth something again. But then he goes and leaves and does it to someone else... idk what to do anymore cause it's ripping me apart, I can't say no to him. It's like when people get too close and then it's hard to let them go that's what it's like with him and me.

Caleb, he just gets in every little crack there is and makes you trust him and feel all these things and then he just leaves, then after you think he's gone he comes back for a little and leaves again. Playing with my emotions is what he loves to do I guess. I'm so sick of it yet I can't get enough at the same time. Like I hate him for doing this to me but I also just wanna kiss him for hours.

He drives me crazy but I love it. Even though I ruined it all by asking him what he thinks is going on with us. I can't believe one little thing can mess up everything. All of these thoughts were interrupted by Emma calling me. *bzzzzz... bzzzzz..* I answer. "uh hey!" "hey! r u okay? you sound weird"
"oh yeah I'm good I was just lost in my thoughts aha, so what's up?"
" I just wanted to see if you wanted to hang?"
"um, sure lemme just see if I can use the car."
"okay great, see you later!"
I put my phone down and run upstairs to ask about the car. My mom said sure so I grabbed my phone and told Emma I was on my way. Emma texted me back and said ok, when I checked it I accidentily clicked on other messages, the ones between Caleb and I. I started reading through our last conversation, it was cute I loved every minute of it and even every minute of rereading it, it made me think of our good times like our cute conversations that made me not want them to end. I want those moments back more then anything, cause he makes me feel so amazing. I cant help but smile when he looks at me. I just want him to hold me and tell me everything is gonna be okay, and keep me safe and make me feel safe, I want him to hug me like he means it and kiss me like it's the last day on earth. I want him to make sure that I always believe him when he says it's gonna be ok and just sit and hold me until I feel okay again. I just want him.