Love in the Time of Beans (Among Us Logic)

Not Over Easy (Mr. Egg x Stoner platonic)

Mr. Egg didn't handle rejection very well. He once met a cute Bean lad with silky fur at a coffee shop, and after talking him up, asked him out and got rejected. This resulted in a night of him throwing the pity party of his life. He sobbed unglamorously on the couch, only pausing intermittently to shovel a pawful of popato chisps in his maw. Later he had to spend a while talking in the mirror, trying to convince himself that "the cad just doesn't know what he's missing." He sniffled, brushed the crumbs out of his fur, and then retired to bed.

He was even worse at handling break-ups. When the Gentleman called it off and decided to start going out with Mr. Cheese again, Mr. Egg just about fell apart at the seams. He punched the lights out of a poor hapless pillow. He blasted "I Will Survive" while sobbing and gorging himself on ice cream. He printed out a picture of the Gentleman, tacked it to his dartboard, and chucked darts at it. He sulked in a warm bubble bath for almost two hours.

So there he was, a day after the Gentleman sent him the most insulting Dear John letter of his life ("I have decided to end our partnership, as I will promptly resume my relations with Mr. Cheese. I hope you are not too offended by my decision. Sincerely, The Gentleman.") Mr. Egg waded up to his neck in champagne-scented bubbly bathwater. Opera music played from his radio. He muttered to himself about what a rotten heartbreaker his black-furred ex was. His pity party might have continued for a while longer, were it not for his doorbell to chime all through the house.

"Fiddlesticks!" he muttered to himself, emerging from the tub. He towel-dried his fur as fast as he could, threw on a pink bathrobe, then made the long journey from his upstairs bathroom down to the foyer.

"Oh, whoever could it be?" he complained, throwing the door open. "At this time of night, interrupting my bath...and my paw pads are so pruny now! What is it? It had better be tremendously important."

A sloppy green-furred Bean with a plant growing atop his head stood there on the doorstep. The smoke stench from him almost brought tears to Mr. Egg's eye.

"Wassup, Eggman?" Stoner asked, cracking a grin.

Mr. Egg scowled. "I told you not to call me that, Stoner! Multiple times! What do you want?"

"Well," he drawled, "my roommate and I, we had another argument. He was mad 'cuz I didn't do the dishes. He said it was my turn this week or whatever. So he told me to fuck off and don't come back to the apartment until tomorrow. Anyhoo, I need to crash here for the night, ya dig?"

"What?" Mr. Egg yelped. "No, I'd prefer if you didn--"

Too late. Stoner had already waddled inside, trailing his disgusting smoke scent with him. It clung to his fur, no matter how many times he decontaminated.

"You got a guest room, right? That's a rich people thing, I think."

"Listen, you cannot stay--"

"Oh, you don't." Stoner blinked slowly. "No biggie. I'll sleep on the couch instead. I do that all the time."

To Mr. Egg's dismay, he flopped onto the parlor couch, the very fancy and expensive velvet-upholstered couch, and promptly passed out. A dirty sock fell out of his pouch and plopped on the floor. A loud snore issued from the green Bean's mouth.

"Oh, no. No, no, no," Mr. Egg said, stomping over to him and swiping the offending sock off the floor. "This is not a bed and breakfast, Stoner. I cannot and will not let you stay here, not even overnight! Surely you have other friends with whom you could 'crash.' Bro, perhaps? And please, get off my couch. That is genuine Japawnese velvet, and it holds odours very tightly--"

It was like talking to a rock. Stoner was out for the count, and it would probably take a small earthquake to rouse him. Mr. Egg growled in frustration. It upset him greatly, of course, but he knew there was no way to get rid of the green Bean for now. He thought about calling Stoner's roommate and begging him to pick up his friend, but the apartment didn't have a landline phone and he didn't have cell phone numbers for the friends of his friends. This was just how it would have to be until morning.