Burnt Out (Hawks X Reader)

Chapter 31: Guilt and Confusion

Guilt is killing me.

I did not take the advice of L.O.L.A., instead I tried going on with my life in ignorant bliss.

But because I am who I am, that didn't work.

Literally guilt is killing me so much. Hezā and I have been hanging out so much and we keep talking about guys we like which leads to Keigo and everything is just a mess at this point.

I've been conveying emotions through songs. So far I've released two covers, a collaboration song with Ryo called Intertwined, and my own original song called I Hear a Symphony.

Along with those songs, I've also been attending a few rehearsals for the Hamilton thing I agreed to. I've been going to those for a few weeks, and I have all the songs down at this point. All that's left to do is add the right facial expression, voice cracks in the right places and it'll be good to go.

Oh, and Ribaundo has been surprising me by coming to said rehearsals.

This being one of them.

"Hi," I said, surprised to find him waiting for me in my dressing room. I'm wearing Eliza's blue dress. Netami wants the actors to get used to wearing their costumes under the hot stage lights. "Can I ask what you're doing here?"

"I've decided to take you on a date," he said, standing up and taking long strides to reach me. "If you don't mind, of course."

I smiled. "I would love that."

I had also been spending more time with Ribaundo. We've gotten closer and he's actually really nice and romantic.

But I don't think I'll ever like him the way I like Keigo. I'm almost positive these so called feelings for him is just a rebound crush.

"Now, if you don't mind, could you leave?" I asked. "I have to get changed."

Ribaundo chuckled, taking my hand and kissing my knuckles. "Of course, darling."

When I tell you I almost fucking died right there.

He's never called me darling before.

Oh my god.

What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck.

Before I could even say anything, he had already left me alone.

I stood staring at the wall ahead of me for a solid two minutes before I actually started changing back into my normal clothes. Even then I didn't pay much attention to what I was doing. I had tried fitting my head into my pant leg, continuing to try and for it into my shirt sleeve and successfully getting a little stuck.

This is just great.

I mean, I like Keigo, but so much shit has happened that I don't even know anymore. Obviously I still like like him, but I've just viewed him slightly differently after we slept together. Like something about his whole persona shifted in my eyes.

And then there's Ribaundo. I don't want to lead him on, only to reject him when he asks me to be his girlfriend because I'm waiting for something that'll never happen.

I don't even know how everything will go.

I'm all over the fucking place right now. I need to regroup in my head or something.

I walked out of my dressing room, almost surprised to see Ribaundo waiting patiently in a chair across the hall. He looked up at the sound of the door, a smile crossing his face at the sight of me.

"I do believe I've managed to get the most beautiful woman on this planet to agree to a date with me." He took my hand and kissed it again, smiling up at me.

I chuckled, almost too embarrassed to meet his gaze when he stood straight. His green eyes were mesmerizing, easy to get lost in. I found myself staring at him, taking in every detail of his face.

The gentle touch of his hand on my face is what brought me back to reality. He gave me a small smile, seeing that he had my attention now.

"Let's go," he said, taking my hand and leading me out of the theatre. We walked to a nearby park where a blanket was spread out on the grass. A few plates of food were out, mostly consisting of sandwiches and berries. The fact that the few stars that rarely appeared were out made it more romantic.

"This is amazing," I said. And it really was. The last time I remember being on a date this nice and romantic was almost a decade ago.

"I'm glad you like it," Ribaundo responded, sitting us both down on the blanket. "I would suggest eating quickly because ants will try to eat everything."

I laughed, a loud laugh that disturbed the serene silence of the night.

And that's what we did. We ate and talked, and when we finished eating we laid side by side and talked some more.

It's when the date ended I freaked out.

Ribaundo had sent me off to my shared apartment with a soft kiss on the lips.

So many emotions were conveyed. I don't know how to fucking feel anymore.

When he left, I stood there, watching as his car drove off until it rounded a corner. Even then I didn't move. I was speechless.

I hadn't actually expected him to kiss me, maybe on the cheek, but not on the lips!

Oh my god oh my god oh my god.

I fucking can't right now.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.

I don't even know how I feel anymore. I know that Ribaundo is just a rebound crush, maybe a fling, but something inside me says that I should be with him. No one's ever done nearly half of the romantic things he's done for me.

But then the other half says that I should wait. Wait for Keigo and Hezā to break up (because that's going to happen).

Oh my god, I don't know how to feel.

When I was in the elevator I seriously started to panic.

Ever since the night we don't speak of, I've been trying to avoid Keigo. I've made sure that I leave either after he leaves for patrol or before he's awake, and I come back before patrol finishes or after he's asleep.

This happens to be one of those "happy medium" times where he is back from patrol but isn't sleeping.

Fuck my luck.