Love is for children

Losing you is not an option

My knuckles come in contact with the punching bag. A jolt of pain shoots through my hand but I ignore it, it's nothing compared to what I'm feeling inside. Emotions are raging through me but I don't know how to deal with them. I want to run upstairs to take Wanda in my arms and apologize to her over and over again, but I don't. What do I possibly have to offer her? Pain, rudeness, brokenness? She deserves someone to take care of her, to love her every second of everyday. I can do that. As soon as the thought enters my mind, I discard it. I'm not even capable of allowing myself to feel love, how on earth can I direct that love to someone else? Besides, loving someone is the go-to to get yourself killed. I've seen it happen before, they care more about keeping the other person safe than themselves. How can you go into battle like that? But still, a small part of me hurts just thinking of Wanda belonging to someone else. Okay, a big part. Just thinking about Wanda throwing her gorgeous laugh in Vision's direction makes me want to put a bullet through his head. A punch with more power than the previous ones causes the bag to fly through the air and land a couple of meters away from me. "What did it do to deserve such a treatment?" I spin around and see Steve standing there, leaning against the wall. After simply raising a single eyebrow I walk towards the bag and pick it up. As I'm attaching it to its hook once again, Steve walks towards me. "What's going on Nat?" I start throwing punches once more, but this time in a slow and controlled pace. "Why should there be something going on?" He holds the bag still, forcing me to look at him by doing so. With his head he points towards my knuckles and when I look at them I notice that there is a lot of blood. The skin is broken on multiple places and as I look closer, I can see that blood is also covering the punching bag. "Yes, it's also on your face. Probably from wiping away some sweat." I scoff and lift my shoulders. "So, it's not the first time this has happened."

Turning around on my heels I walk towards the dressing room, hoping this will cause Steve to leave the subject alone. But he wouldn't be Captain America if he didn't jog after me, set on making me tell him what's going on so that he can fix the day. "And every single time this has happened it's been because something has been bugging you." Oh how I wish I could just wipe that patriotic look from his face. "What do you want from me Steve?" I snarl, not in the mood to deal with his hero crap. "You want to hear me say that I've screwed it up? That I fucked up my chance of being happy? That I broke the heart of the person I care most about? Or do you want to hear me say that even though I want to rip my own heart out, I'm still not capable of dealing with my emotions in a human way? That even now I'm still not capable of going up there to apologize to her, to confess my feelings for her?!" I'm panting and it feels as if someone is destroying my heart by a thousand paper cuts. Steve seems pretty taken back by my explosion and he has this sad but understanding look in his eyes, which only causes my anger to flare up even more. "Stop looking at me like that! I don't need your pity so fuck off!" I turn around and grab the blouse I had been wearing when... Never mind. The sound of an alarm draws both of our attention away from the conversation we were having, even though I don't really think you could call this a conversation. "Attention please. All of the Avengers who are on base need to be ready for takeoff in 30 minutes. We have discovered a secret Hydra facility so immediate action is required." Maria Hill her voice echo's through the dressing room and instantly my instincts kick in. Gone is the anger and the pain I was feeling a moment ago, the only thing on my mind right now is the mission. Go to my room, gear up. Get ready for combat. As I'm about to leave the room Steve's voice calls me back. "Nat?" I turn around and give him an upward nod. "For what it's worth, I really do believe you deserve the happiness you desire with Wanda." Without another word I leave him behind.

As I enter my room a small part of me registers the fact that Wanda is no longer here. I'm not sure whether she left after my exit or if she waited for me to come back, having to leave when she too heard the alarm. It doesn't matter, the fact that I'm alone is more practical. I don't have the time to deal with her right now. In a quick pace I grab my tactical suit and in a couple of seconds I have removed my clothes and am left standing in my underwear. I glance at the clock, 20 minutes left. More than enough time to put on a sports bra. When given the chance I'll always wear one for a fight, it's so much more practical. Sadly enough it's not always a possibility. Bra, check. Quickly I put on my suit and the combat boots are next. My hair is short enough to not be in need of a ponytail, that's why I prefer it this way. Quickly I put my guns and knives in their designated place and last but not least I slide my Widowbites over my wrists. Done, with 15 minutes to spare.