Love is for children

Loving you feels like coming home

I'm in the Red Room once more, standing in line, waiting for my turn to do my final exam. It was my second try. The first time, I had purposely tried to act as if I was really bad at shooting people with bullets, but of course the Madame saw right through it. The punishment I had received for this had left me incapable of walking for multiple days. I would not make the same mistake again, after all... I have no place in the world. The girl in front of me has passed her exam, and she was guided into the next room, to prepare her for the graduation ceremony. Not like she would have any choice in the matter. Getting a hysterectomy makes everything easier, even killing. The dead body of the man that the Widow before me killed gets dragged out of the room, and a new person with a bag over the head is escorted inside. "Next: Natalia Romanova." I step forward with an cold look in my eyes, ready to get this over with. There will never be another life for me than this one. A muscular man hands me a gun with a couple of bullets inside of it, and at the same time the person is being pushed to the knees. Looking at the body type I easily make the conclusion that this is a woman. There is something about her that seems familiar to me, but I shake it off. When I get into position the bags is pulled off her head and... Wanda! Shock goes through me like a wave as I realize that it's my girlfriend on her knees in front of me, waiting for a bullet to go through her head. I turn around to look at the Madame who is staring back at me with no humanity in her eyes. "No, you can't do this!" I realize that my emotionless state of mind is completely gone at this point. A dark smile crosses her face. "No, you're right. I won't. You will." I look back at Wanda whose expression is one of fear. "Nat..." The soft whisper leaves her lips while tears roll over her cheeks. I throw the gun away without any doubt, but when I try to run towards her it's as if I'm frozen in place. "Let her go!" The Madame gives a small not towards the man, and immediately he takes out his own gun. Not being capable of doing anything, I'm forced to watch as he puts the gun against Wanda's temple and pulls the trigger without any hesitation. Her lifeless body drops to the floor and an unnatural scream leaves my lips.

I jolt awake with sweat clinging to my body while panting rapidly. Immediately I turn to my side and I see Wanda lying next to me, sleeping peacefully. I concentrate on her chest going up, down, up, down, and let my own breathing match hers. She's okay, we're okay. About one month ago the doctors had given me the green light which allowed me to be moved. Clint picked up the both of us and flew us back to the Avengers compound, and I wasn't ashamed to admit that during the entire flight I had held Wanda's hand tightly. It felt like coming home. Of course Clint had seen this but beside a small smile in my direction, there was no feedback. Just the way I liked it. When we arrived back in America, Wanda had guided me to my room and basically hadn't left since. Even though I had expected otherwise, it didn't bother me. Never in my entire life had I ever dreamed of sharing my home with someone but with Wanda, it was different. It felt naturally, like this was the way it was supposed to be. I had tried denying what I felt for her for too long, until it had almost killed me. I was not going to make that same mistake again.

Everybody of the team knew about the two of us being together but nobody commented on it. They knew that pissing off the Black Widow and the Scarlet Witch as a team would be a very dumb thing to do. And even though they loved to tease and sometimes even bully each other, we were still a kind of family and they respected that acting as if this had been the case all along was what was best for us.

For a while I just look at Wanda, at the brown locks that are lying over her face. At this point in my life, Wanda being dead is definitely my biggest nightmare. But the thought of me being incapable of protecting her... It is more than what I can handle. I fall back on my back and let out a deep sigh. A part of me wishes that I had my old nightmares again. They existed out of all of the horrible things I had done in my years as Widow, but I deserved that guild, I forced myself to feel it. Otherwise I didn't become a better person at all. But being worried about someone... That is still something that I need to get used to. There is no doubt in my heart that I feel very strongly about her, but one of the consequences of that is that I now have constant nightmares about losing her. I know that I should probably share this with Wanda but I don't want to bother her with something like that, especially because there's nothing she can do about it. She would just feel bad and guilty and that sad look would cross her face. The look she has when her mind gets lost in memories of her brother. Quietly I throw the covers off of me and sit up, wincing a little bit when I can feel this movement pulling my stitches. The healing is going pretty well but I'm still not allowed to join the rest of the team on any missions, with Wanda refusing to go as well because of that. Even though I was technically not allowed to train either, every time I woke up after a nightmare I would go to the gym and do so anyway. I need to keep myself in condition so that I can protect the people I care about. I need to over throw the thoughts in my head with pain in my body. I need to know I'll still be an asset to the team when I can join them again. It might not be the best kind of coping mechanism, but it's the only one I know. I put on some clothes and for a minute I stare at the ballet shoes which are lying in a corner of my closet. I grab them and twist the laces over my hand, carrying them this way. As quietly as possible I leave the room and close the door behind me.