pansamantala | lizrei

V

“Rei”

“Hey, bakit nasa labas mga gamit mo? Aalis ka?” sinirado niya ang pinto.

Tumango naman ako, “Oo, lilipat na'ko sa dorm ng NST” at ngumiti.

“Babalik kapa naman dito diba?”

“Uhm, I'm not sure”

“Oh,”

“iiwan mo na ako?”

That question left me stunned.

Napatigil ako sa paglalakad at hinarap siya.

“I'm sorry I haven't told you sooner pero you understand right?”

Ini-expect ko na sabihin niyang 'oo' pero hindi niya sinabi, ni hindi siya ngumiti at sinabi ang gusto 'kong marinig sakanya.

Instead, she said. “No”

Nagkatinginan kami ni rei.

“Pero rei, this is the national swimming team. The dream I wanted to achieve and this is it. Di kaba masaya para sakin?” pinilit kong ngumiti.

“No” sabi niya at napayuko. “I want you to stay” dagdag niya.

Hinigpitan ko lalo ang paghawak ko sa box na para bang nakadepende buhay ko nito.

Hindi ko siya maintindihan.

“What?”

“...”

“Stay” bulong niya pero rinig na rinig ko ito.

“What's there to stay?” ibinaling ko ang tingin sa malayo kagaya din niya.

She wants me to stay but for what?

“di 'ko alam” mahina niyang sabi.

“Rei—” she cut me off. “ I have no one except you liz so stay”

Her eyes were pleading. I'm contemplating if should I just stay or not but I heard the bus honked outside, signalling me that it's time to leave.

And this is where I should make my decision.

“Sorry, but you have your boyfriend. You won't be alone” tumalikod na ako. Di ko siya kayang harapin not when she's showing me that look.

Afraid that I might stay and back to be her temporary comfort or such which I'll regret if I won't walk away sooner.

“Stay, please.”

“Stay for what? para maging takbuhan mo tuwing may problema kayo? tapos iiwan mo din pagkatapos??” I couldn't help but to let those words out.

Siguro pag di mo na talaga kaya, mapipilit kang sabihin lahat ng di mo kayang sabihin or mga tinatago mo.

Nagulat siya at napayuko. She's guilty.

“I'm sorry for that” her voice broke. And I'm gathering my shit not to be swooned by that.

Get it together, Kim.

“Please, just this once liz”

Ignore it. My mind keep saying.

“I'm sorry”

“Pagod na'ko. Pagod na'kong umasa pa. Bakit di nalang ako piliin mo?”

“I can't”

Right.

Wala ng iba pang paliwanag na kailangan. Ang kailangan ko na lang ay umalis at kontrolin ang utak ko na hinding hindi niya ako pipiliin.

Why did I even bother saying it.

“but please, stay” hinawakan niya kamay 'ko, pero agad 'kong inalis ito.

“You're all I have”

Tuloy-tuloy lang siya sa pagsasalita habang pinilit 'kong makaalis sa kinatatayuan ko.

I need to breathe.

“Do I have to give up my dream for you?!” sigaw ko. Tumingin siya sakin, mga mata niya'y napaluha na.

“I—I'll do anything just for you to stay”

I'm so confused. She's giving me mixed signals like she wants me to stay yet she doesn't want to choose me.

My eyesight went blurry as tears are trying to escape but I held it in.

Silence.

“then, be with me. Choose me instead. ”
pagkatapos 'kong sinabi yon, nabitawan niya ang kamay ko at napahakbang paatras.

Right at this moment, I figured what's her answer.

Then, I took the chance to leave. Not even minding to look back.

Pinunasan ko ang mga luha na pumatak sa aking pisnge pagkalabas ko sa pinto.

This is my choice. This is right. My mind told me once again.

Ang tanga mo talaga rei. Ang tanga tanga mo. Ang tanga mo sa point na mas pinahalagahan mo yung taong hindi nakikita ang halaga mo.

This feelings will fade as I move on and maybe, I'll hate you in the process.

-uhm hello? message me y’all :(