a collection of moments with jojo and h.
if you haven't read chrysalis, don't read this :)
these are all transferred from my tumblr account but keep an eye out for new ones.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
"Jo? What's wrong, baby?" His voice is soft and gentle, comforting even, but it still feels like nails racing down a chalkboard.
My insides are burning. Every kind of storm is waging war inside of me. My chest heaves, but I remain frozen. My stomach shakes, threatening to topple me over, but I don't. My eyes leak acid tears, but I don't move to wipe them.
"I don't know! I don't know, Harry!" His hands reach out to hold me, and his face buries into my neck, pressing kisses from my temple to my shoulder. I know that he means well, but they sound like he's screaming. Every sound slams into my eardrums and overwhelms my senses. I can't breathe right now with him so close to me.
"Stop, please." I push away from him and I feel how badly it hurts him, I know he just wants to help, so another sob wracks my chest. Another thing to add to the pile that is crushing me from the inside.
My head is so heavy, the pressure pushes tears from my eyes but they aren't offering any relief. They just clog my sinuses so that I really can't breathe, so that I'm gasping for air, begging for even a moment of relief.
I was so foolish to think that days like this were behind me. I was foolish to think that happiness would cure illness and that my sick mind wouldn't find a way to warp my beautiful life into something that could hurt me.
Always a stupid girl, never learns. Look at you know? Look how you've hurt him? He's standing there watching you, scared for you, and you can't even get your shit together long enough to let him comfort you? He's your husband for god sakes, you must make him feel awful. A truly crushing disappointment you are, can't manage simpl-
"Breathe, Jo." His voice cuts through, as I stand and stare at my tear stained reflection in the mirror that hangs in our bedroom. He moves in front of her, pulling my eyes to his beautiful face. He's tired too, I know it.
No shit, imagine how much easier his life would be if he married a woman who wasn't fucking crazy. How often do you think that he regrets it? He can't leave you though, not yet, it would make him look bad, he-
"Jojo, baby, look at me." My frantic eyes find his and soften, I can't help it. Eyes that I've looked into a million times. Eyes that have comforted me for so long, now hold the smallest hint of fear. "Will you breathe with me? Can I hold your hand?"
I nod and hold shakey fingertips out in his direction. He takes my hand in both of his and rubs small circles on the palm of my hand. The tears are slowing down, but my stomach is still shaking. My chest is still sputtering for air. "Breathe with me baby, it's okay." His voice is soft and low, it warms me, pours into my ears and down through my body like warm honey.
I watch him intently, and breathe slowly, trying to match my breath with the movement of his body. I swear I can almost feel him breathe, like If we tried hard enough he could breathe for me, and I know that he would if he could. I know that he'd cure me if he could.
That's the thing about mental illness, it's illness. It's a sickness that doesn't really have a cure, just treatments. The treatments work, most of the time, at least for me, but I swear that my brain gets mad that it's not hurting me and so it switches things up and that treatment doesn't work anymore. It's an exhausting game, but it's one that I'll keep playing. I'll keep playing because it's worth it, he's worth it, this life is worth it.
Grilled cheese sandwiches and movie nights and Friday nights out with Frankie make it worth it. Hearing my dad laugh and watching Miranda blush over her new boyfriend and seeing Nicki rub her baby belly make it worth it. Seeing people's faces light up when they look in the mirror and see themselves for the first time, makes it worth it. Harry in the morning and at night and on stage and in bed and standing in our kitchen. Harry when he touches me, when he kisses me, when he smiles for me. Harry when he makes me laugh and when we sing in the car. Sunday mornings make it worth it. Harry makes me feel like I'm worth it.
Suddenly the shaking stops, and the weight is ripped from my chest, and I can breathe again. The relief makes my legs wobble and more tears flow, but their tears of relief, and he knows. He knows because he walks towards me and envelops me in his arms. His large hand sprawls across my back and he rubs up and down in a gentle wave. His other hand holds the back of my head as I gently weep into the crook of his neck.
I want to apologize for being cold and pushing him away, but it gets stuck in my throat. Admitting to cruelty to anyone other than my reflection is still hard.
"Sorry," It's a ghost of a whisper against his skin, but he hears it.
"S'okay darling, just a case of the mean reds, yeah?" Another tear rolls but I smile at his reference and I soften in his hold, knowing that he understands. He's not mad at me. He loves me, and we'll be okay.
"Let's go to bed, yeah? Give your head some sleep and fill it full of good dreams, and then we'll try again tomorrow." I nod in agreement and detach myself from him, holding his fingers loosely in mine as we make our way upstairs and to the bedroom. I peel the sweatshirt from my sticky skin, and shiver as the fresh air reaches me. It's refreshing, which is a welcome feeling. I push the sweat pants down my legs and stretch down toward my toes, feeling my body appreciate the movement after a day of being tense and on edge.
I crawl into bed, beside my beautiful husband, and melt against his warm skin. Skin to skin, warmth and love and understanding pulse between us while his fingertips draw lazy circles on my back and my breath scatters across his chest.
"Do you want to go for a hike tomorrow? It's supposed to be beautiful, fresh air might be nice." I know he feels me grimace against him and he laughs.
"That sounds awful, but I guess I'll do it for you."
"We can go to the gym and swing too, if you'd like."
"Ooh! Can I kick your ass on the punching bags again!?" He stops laughing and I know he's rolling his eyes.
He takes a heavy sigh and smiles while he says, "Anything for you, darling."
