It is only on a night when I find myself alone in bed, that is when my mind seems to not sit still. It isn't like I don't feel things in the day, but I attempt to push it back as much as I can.
I came back home at 9pm, by 9:30pm I locked myself in the bathroom. Swaying between the irrationality of self induced vomiting and the part of me that told myself to just go to bed.
I don't think about myself in terms of consequence, I think of those around me. If I was caught throwing up, what would my parents think? What would I even say? Although that's not really much of an issue. I'm good at lying when I need it. I'm about to hunch over the toilet but I just find myself staring inside the bowl. I wonder if my deceased relatives can see me doing all this. Whether they are disappointed, or telling me to just get up and stop this behaviour. I think to myself that I'm doing this for attention, but how can I do it for attention when nobody's attention is on me during these moments.
I quietly unlock the door, make my way to my room. Pause at the wardrobe, look at the reflection in the mirror. I'm wearing baggy clothes, I usually sleep in some kind of small top and regular nightwear for my bottom half. This time, I insist on keeping my jumper on. No one is gonna see me, I'm not even gonna see me under the covers but that doesn't matter.
The minute I'm about to climb in bed, I grab my anti depressants and then a dermablade. I knew why I grabbed the blade, I also looked at my medication. For a split second I say to myself, "I could take all of those," but I won't. The consequence is then on my family, I just pass the problem on in reality. I don't use the blade. I touch my skin at times, contemplate reopening a recent scratch, but I don't dare to dig it into my skin in the end.
Then I just sit there, I try to cry. I can't. I feel the tension in my chest, my shoulders but I just can't. It is like when you're reaching for something, straining, and you can feel it against your fingertips but you just can't actually grab onto it.
But, I have to go to work tomorrow. I need to keep everything afloat. The world doesn't stop, nor cater to your problems. I can just resume my self pity some other night.
