Gmail
Dec, 27, 2020 at 12:03 AM
< Compose
From gabriellaemery.s@gmail.com
To brooksnoah@gmail.com
Dear Noah,
You have no idea how things became easier when I was with you. There didn't seem to be any negative forces attempting to control me for who I am, or to take over my entire system.
I value your company and am looking forward to seeing you again. It's sad. It's pity that I can't keep in touch with you on a daily basis. And I have no control over the situation. Regardless, I've never gotten tired of waiting. I'm going to wait till everything is in order.
Anyway, I'm not writing you this letter to tell you such things hehe. I apologize for the inconvenience. The urge is too strong for me to resist LOL
First and foremost, I'd like to express my gratitude.
Thank you for making the effort to approach and talk to me. I wouldn't have been as grateful for meeting and knowing such a good friend if you hadn't done that.
I can tell you're a wonderful man. No words can express how fortunate I am to have met, known, and be friends with you. I was and am still glad. I'll never forget the day I met you.
Second, I'd like to express my gratitude for educating me so much hahaha. I can't list them all, but I'll try to remember the three that come to memory right away.
You've taught me to be more braver.
The type of girl who liked to play inside games with my cousins rather than go outdoors and play with other kids my age, I remember being one. The most disagreeable element of me, it's prolly because people found my nervousness and timidity in the company of others, and I strive to avoid such criticism.
As I've grown older, I've begun to discover flaws in myself. Everything is slowly getting out of hand, and I'm realizing I'm missing something that hasn't yet been discovered.
When I looked in the mirror, I realized that my front teeth were showing and the corners of my mouth were turning up. I may be happy but not that happy.
I expressed my satisfaction with my life, the stuff I've accumulated, and the people I'm surrounded by. But there are real problems in me, and I've tried to sort them out.
The courage to try anything, the fortitude to take risks regardless of the consequences, and the courage to face my own worries were all things I discovered afterwards.
I was scared to play outside with kids I didn't know because of this anxiousness, a dread of being rejected, a fear of being loathed and unloved.
Those fears stayed with me as I grew older, making me resentful of how I had previously safeguarded my ego, how I had chosen the shortest path to take and failed to take measures against anything that came my way.
If I had realized that being a coward would lead me to this dreadful moment in my life, I should have played outside with youngsters and taken chances. No matter how much it hurts to be detested for being shameless, I shouldn't have been so relied on my relatives and should've learned to solve my own problems at an early age.
I should've been brave, knowing how cruel the world may become over time.
You've made me realize that I should never again be scared of my fears and strive to dismiss them rather than tackle them. The chances of surviving on this planet would be limited to none if I ever allowed my worries to take over my entire system, just like you and me cousins keep telling me.
When you waited for me, I felt as if I could also wait, that things don't have to be rushed since rushing would only degrade everything, which I didn't want to happen. So I thank you for really respecting every of my decisions.
Also, you've taught me to like you.
You've shown me that I can still meet a guy like you.
But I lack the confidence to have you. I've always wanted to but you see, everything just don't go well.
Noah, you should realize that what I felt for you wasn't a "just" feeling. It wasn't "just" a feeling because whether you believe me or not, I was on the verge of completely loving you.
That is the fact. The answer you deserve to know is the one that made me feel coward in telling you.
Exactly why is this? It's not just because you were always there, or because you showed to me how much you like me, or how willingly you would risk everything for me, which I'm sure many other girls have longed to feel. I fell in love just because.
Just because.
But things aren't going so well. We lost communication. I lost you.
It was as if the world had come to a halt the instant I knew the issue. I don't mind if the world slows down as long as I have you, pero wala. You may have had me, but you did not let yourself to have me.
You chose to suffer alone which I understand because I have also preferred to suffer alone in the past. Sabi ko pa nga none should suffer as a result of my actions, and that I should be the only one to feel and endure the pain that life has inflicted upon me. But things has change. l
I understood that while believing you can go through anything without anyone's help is a positive sign, it doesn't mean that asking for help when you're about to give up in the face of defeat is an embarrassment.
I understand that some things should be kept private, Noah, but it's totally fine to seek aid from those who care about you, from your brother, from me...
That's not to suggest you can't handle your situation on your own, pero syempre desisyon mo pa rin yan.
My cousins really support me when I feel like I've hit rock bottom and am about to give up, and you did the same. Kaya mabigat sa kalooban ko na wala akong magagawa ngayon para tulungan ka.
You know it's fine to be sad, to be in pain, unless you've been knuckled under by life's curveball. So, Noah, I hope you can overcome any of these obstacles. I believe you can. I hope you believe in yourself.
Don't worry about me. But to be honest, while I'm doing okay, I can't say that my life has been perfectly okay since I arrived in Australia. I still have days when I feel empty inside, as if my sadness for you are still lurking around the corner.
Meaning, I still have moments when I feel completely messed up, but I tend to stop, breathe, and reorganize my thoughts. Can you do the same as you recover from everything?
I'm always available to help you. I'll always keep an eye out for you. Until you've recovered. Until you're finally okay. Until everything gets back to normal.
I'm not expecting you to read this long message. Perhaps it will take years for you to notice this, and I will wait for your respond.
Can you message me no matter what year you're going to see this one?
I'll hold my breath until then hahaha
And I guarantee I won't leave you. I will not let you push me away. I'm not going to let you get away from me again.
You know I could return to you and never risk finding a way out.
Yours truly,
Emery.
