Broken Bars

Daryl Makes Up His Goddamn Mind

The dirt beneath my feet was unyielding.

I pressed the shovel deeper into the soil, sweat beading from my forehead. I was beginning to smell awful. It had been Hershel's idea to start plotting out a patch for crops. If we really wanted to live here, we needed to be looking ahead.

I was out here alone. Sasha, wanting to pull her weight, had offered to help. I'd waved her off, told her to take a gun and stand guard at the fence instead. I needed the time to myself, to process everything.

Daryl was gone. The chances of him coming back to us, to me, were impossible. Merle was his brother, of course he had went with him. I'd have probably done the same if I was in that-

I laughed to myself quietly. No, I wouldn't have. If Macon had turned up right now and asked us to leave with him, I'd have refused. He was my brother, and I loved him, but he was one screwed up kid. We wouldn't last five minutes outside the prison.

So, here I was. Coated in a thin layer of muck and grime, trying not to cry over a shovel.

Still, life goes on and yada yada. I tried to imagine what kind of advice Hershel or Dale would give me. Or would have given me, in Dale's case.

"You're not meant to be out here alone," How had I not noticed someone coming up behind me? I turned around and saw Josie. She was watching me, hair tied back in a tight ponytail that swung in the breeze. That youthful face stared at me with eyes older than her body. She'd seen things I'd never wanted her to see.

"I'm not."

"You mean Sasha? She's way over by the gate, doesn't count," Josie folded her arms, tiny fingers gripping her coat. The heat was unbearable, and yet she somehow always found a way to be cold. I was boiling in just a tank top and jeans. "you don't have to hide down here."

"What makes you think I'm hiding?" I challenged her. Shame washed over me. I felt so immature, denying my emotions like a petulant child in front of my little sister.

She clearly didn't believe me. "You're allowed to me mad, or upset or whatever. I know Daryl-"

"Don't say that name."

"Fine. I know he meant a lot to you, and it's okay think he's a jackass."

My mouth dropped. I couldn't even think of the words to tell her off for swearing. The way she was talking made her sound so grown up. Pretty soon, she wouldn't need me anymore.

I had no idea what to say to her. I could deny what she said, but I wasn't very good at lying to Josie. She always knew when I was upset. I could admit she was right too, but that was too easy. It meant admitting I cared too much, that I'd done the one thing I'd sworn not to do and gotten attached to another person.

If had all been so much simpler before. The farm had ruined everything, bringing me closer to the group and showing me just how similar Daryl and I could be.

My throat began to close up. I coughed, swallowing a sob, and continued to hack at the ground with my shovel. It distracted me, helped get blood and rage through my veins.

"You gonna talk to me or what?" Josie demanded.

I plastered on a fake smile. "Fine. How's Carl?"

Her eyebrows scrunched together. "He's okay, I guess. Probably worried about his dad. Why?"

"I dunno, seemed like you two were gettin' along inside earlier. Heard ya giggling."

"What about it?" I turned back to shoveling, aware that there was rising suspicion in her voice. Either that, or frustration.