the goth girl's notebook

lost in the past

[january 27th, 2022]

i feel utterly and completely lost.

for the past week i have submerged myself into my thoughts, and i have no clue at all what to do about it.

it's really hard to be a person that has this never-ending urge to go back in time to the past, but also in the midst of that, struggle with wondering what the future holds. it's like i'm living inside a book — a world you get lost in — and once you get lost in it, you have no idea how to get back to reality. in that fantasy beholds vampires, where the concept of not dying, or growing old, or feeling pain, or losing your loved ones exist. you're in a safe place of not having your darkest fears come alive.

in truth, reality terrifies the living shit out of me. i worry, and i worry, and i worry. all i can think about when i try to sleep at night, is that one day i'm going to have my biggest fear come true. not just one, but all of them.

i thought my obsession with vampires was just that, an interest i've taken an immense amount of liking to ever since i was a child but is now so much more deeper than that. it has do with all of my fears coming alive that simply could be evaded if vampirism was real. i am stuck inside that world, that longing to avoid everything that scares me. and knowing i can't live inside this fantasy forever sends a different kind of sadness through me that i have never felt before.