the goth girl's notebook

never enough

[march 16th, 2024]

i wonder what it's like to be truly loved; to not have always felt so alone.

sometimes i feel like i'm cursed with this feeling, other times i think i deserve it somehow.

people always leave. they come in waves and it is never permanent.

i keep telling myself i'm used to this feeling; that i don't care and that i'm fine, but the reality is, i can keeping trying to tell myself those three words but it will never take away the ache that rumbles through my heart whenever i think of everything that alludes to the reason i always feel like this. my mind never stops turning. it brings up every little instances and situations in flashes until i'm left crying and questioning every part of myself. i think of times i've tried making friends, to times i was betrayed by people i thought i could trust, to times where it's obvious i've been left out of things. it all floods out until i am gasping and screaming for air.

is there a reason i'm never enough? am i bad a person? am i just not likable to any degree? i wish i knew what was so wrong about me for everyone to just take a glimpse at me and go, "she's worthless. she deserves to be alone for the rest of her life."

i hate myself so badly and i understand why others do too. i feel like i'm constantly fighting to fit in to a place that doesn't want me. and so i give up. i don't want to try anymore. it won't get me anywhere it seems. i just want to sleep for eternity.