Gloves And Us ✔

O V E R, again.

I wasn't going to upload as I said, but y'all deserve this. Deserve the love I can give.

The song got me emotional again.

It was difficult to even breathe properly. My mind was creating its own opinions and the voices were growing louder with the passing time. I tried, tried telling myself that 'I'm comfortable in my own skin' that I shouldn't be affected by them calling me fat that I deserved better, but did I actually?
It was like my mind just didn't want to grasp it. That my soul had inscribed those and many more words in it. That I was just a stupid, pathetic person.

Was I really a good person? a good being? or just a burden?

I was just wasting everybody's time and precious moments by being near them. I felt so unlikeable. So much that I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror or hold my head high.
Was I really deserving of Caro? Wasn't I just being a nuisance and affecting him? He had his own problems in his life. Why would he or anybody want me and my problems?

Sometimes the thoughts of running away from here and disappearing forever felt so good. Not being around people and affecting them in any way was better. Not socializing with anybody and just silence was far far amazing.
Just me breathing.

I just wanted to yell and scream and let it all end. Pull my hair out in frustration and say that I never meant to gain weight or be like this. That I just wanted it to stop affecting me and be an easy-going person.
Let all the tears fall and just die. It was really upsetting, so much so that I woke up and left. Left without even thinking. Pleased that Caroline had a meeting and I just ran away.
Ran away from the only person who was taking care of me. Who cared about me the utmost. Who was bringing a smile to my face. I ran away tho.
Not having enough courage to face my problems. Ran away because it was easier than to answer. Those answers which weren't ready to come out yet. Those answers that I didn't want to utter. Those answers which would end up with me trying to get away forever and take my last breath soon.

The whole journey to the meeting place, I was silent. An eerie silence accompanied me. It felt as if I had befriended numbness all over again. The same numb feeling that I left behind because someone filled that void with their presence and happiness. But like most of the addictions, I went back to it. I just couldn't hold back anymore. Emptiness just felt more friendly and it overpowered me. Again.

No questions asked, nothing.

Just like that I silently let people around me taunt me, walk over me. It was tiring, again. I was falling into that hole, again. And this time it was consciously. Even when I had people around me, I just let that trap engulf me. Because I couldn't speak up this time. My body had shut completely.

I couldn't speak up because I was too tired to be a burden on people. Was I too cowardly to let Caro be affected by me, again? I won't let him and his reputation hurt because of me. I was fat and people don't like fat, insecure and pathetic people. Point blank. Over.

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A sad chapter and honestly a bit of reality. A lot of my personal experience and the touch from my life.

To anybody out there, I promise that you are beautiful. Those people are stupid fuckers who know just to judge and pull you down, because they are ugly, not you.
I'm in the process of healing and let me say this, "We all are beautiful and perfect." and remember, I LOVE YOU. I'll be there if you wanna speak.
People are just a hey away from us, but our overthinking brain never lets us catch that train. The train just leaves before we make our decision. SO DON"T WASTE YOUR TIME and CATCH THAT TRAIN OF CONFIDENCE AND SELF-LOVE. I promise it's WORTH IT. I PROMISE IT

SMILE luvlies and drop your one motto/belief that you are going to/have been following in your life.
Mine is 'You are bigger than those obstacles. Bigger enough to fight them and reach the destination that you DESERVE'

Take care. again, have some real food and stay hydrated.