The world comes first (Natasha Romanoff x fem Y/N)

Chapter 35 - I should have protected him...

Short *Trigger warning* before you read this chapter, please read this first: This is a really dark chapter. It includes the death of a baby and also suicide. Please dont read if you might be triggered by any of these topics. Also If you need someone to talk, please hit me up and text me.

This night I slept really bad. I was shifting and turning around in my bed, trying to get comfortable, but I just couldn't. I wish Natasha was here. I would be asleep in seconds when she wraps her arms around me. I felt like shit, because of how the evening ended. I wish I could go back and change everything about it, but i can't. After a couple of hours I finally managed to fall asleep, but it wasn't a good one. First it was all dark, but then the dreams began. All memories of my time in the red room. Sometimes when I watch tv and see those basic American families, I get really jealous. While those kids had the perfect childhood, I was training to be a killer as early as 4 years old. I never had christmas or the Easter bunny. I had guns and knives. Instead of parents that told me about all the dangers in the world, I was raised to become one. I didnt get to make mistakes, I was punished whenever something wasn't perfect. The thing is, I'm over that whole thing now. I can't change my past, I can't go back and I made peace with it. These memories are just that, memories.

But there are things about my life, things that happened, that I can't forget. Things I did, that I can never forgive myself for and I can never have anyone finding out about those. The problem is, sometimes these things haunt me and tonight, out of all nights, that's exactly what happened. The scenery in my dream shifted from the red room to the farm, Tyler and I were living on. It was summer and the sun was shining in my face. If it had been another farm, I would have probably felt comfortable and happy, but then I heard something that made my body tense up. No! It can't be. I ran inside, just to find myself running around, panicking. In my arms, a little baby. My baby. I had forgotten what he looked like. He was beautiful. I remember how nervous and scared I was in the beginning. I never wanted a child, at least not here, not with Tyler, but he didnt give me a choice. The second I heard his little screams tho, I melted away and fell in love with him. He was the sweetest baby, barely screamed and a good sleeper. I swore to myself that I would always protect him and that I will never let Tyler harm him. So for the first couple of months everything went good. Tyler wasn't really interested in the child and left him alone most of the time. I named him James. I dont know why, but it was a name, that meant something to me. Maybe I knew someone of that name, before I was taken by the red room, but I didnt remember. James made me happy. His giggles and smiles made me forget about the horrible world around me. He made me forget about all the terrible things I went through. All I could think about was how I will make sure he gets a better life. When he was 4 months old, he got sick. Every kid gets sick, no need to worry. But I did, I did worry, because I wasn't a doctor. I couldn't help him. Tyler gave me some medicine and I stayed up with James all night for several days, just watching him sleep, not daring to take my eyes off of him, because what if he stops breathing. He got eventually better and I was relieved and could breathe and sleep again...

Now in my dream I could see myself sleeping in bed, next to Tyler. This picture sent a shiver down my spine. I actually had to be there for several years. He abused me, he raped me and I couldn't leave him. This night was different tho. James started screaming and I rushed over to his room. Maybe he was hungry? Or he had a nightmare. I pulled him close to me and tried to comfort him, but he didnt stop. I got worried and thought, maybe he was in pain, maybe he was still sick and I just didn't see it. But that wasn't the problem. I heard loud footsteps approaching the room and Tyler yelling „Shut that stupid thing down. I want to sleep." He rushed in the room and wanted to ripp the child from my arms, but I dodged him and protected James with my body. „Y/N, give me the child. If you can't make him stop screaming, I will." He screamed and got really angry. „Please, Tyler. He is just scared. I will make him stop, I promise. Please dont hurt him." I cried, still shielding the baby with my body. Tyler kicked me several times, making me scream out in pain and then he ripped the child from me. „No, please." I fought him. I fought with all the strength I had. I fought as if my life depended on it, but I wasn't strong enough. „Please, Tyler." I cried and screamed, hoping that he would listen, but he just ignored me (I'm not going to go into more detail here, as I do not feel comfortable writing it, but you can imagine what is happening.). Then he just left the room without another word and I crawled over to my child. All the kicks and punches I received should have made it impossible to move, but I did not think about that right now. I cried and screamed, while holding my child in my arms. I promised him and I failed. He was the only thing that made my life worth something, the only thing that made me happy and now he's gone. I dont know how long I sat there, but when the sun started to shine through the window I stood up and walked outside, with James in my arms. I placed him down in the soft grass. God, he loved the grass. He was so curious about the world around him and now he will never get to experience it and it was all my fault. I should have protected him, I failed. I don't deserve to be here, I dont deserve to be alive, while he had to die. I felt the tears drenching my shirt. I didnt think a person could cry so much, but here I was, crying more than I probably have fluids in my body. I buried my son and when I went back inside it was only 8am. I went to the bathroom and decided to do something, I should have done a long time ago.

I caused so much pain and suffering in this world and the only good thing that ever came from me, James, is gone now, also because of me. I dont deserve this life, for all the innocent ones I destroyed, I have to do this. I took out a razor blade and sat down on the bathtub. I took a deep breathe and felt the pressure disappear. It felt almost good. I knew I was going to see James again. I was going to be with him and nobody is going to separate us ever again.

„Y/N!" I heard someone scream, but I was already too far gone to react to it. The only thing I saw was James, how he was giggling and waiting for me to come and pick him up.

Hey guys! Me again. This was super dark, I didnt think it would turn out like this, but I hope you are all doing okay and please let me know if you dont and please reach out to me if you're struggling!!!