The Will to Live - Xiao x Reader

Can I..? - Y/N

"Y/N I..." Xiao hesitated, "Can I..." 

He turns red, I wonder what he's thinking... No. That's an invasion of privacy, his thoughts are his thoughts.

"Can I kiss you?"

"Wha..?" WHAT? Sh*t, what am I meant to do. He knows I like him but...

"Y/N?" Xiao leaned closer to you, "It's... It's okay to say no."

"I... Uh," You try to clear your mind. "I... F*ck. I wasn't expecting that."

"Who knew the ruler of the gods could get so flustered so easily." Xiao giggled, he was cute when he smiled; even if it was just a little.

Is he changing the subject? You still hadn't answered his question, even though you wanted to say yes.

"So..." Xiao sat back, he looked very awkward. "What are these herbs."

"You can," You manage.

"Huh?" Xiao turns red again, "I... Uhm okay."

He gives you a peck on the cheek, his heart was beating so fast you could hear it when he sat back down. His breathing was heavy and he was almost shaking.

"Xiao..?" You look at him concerned. "Is something wrong?"

He avoided eye contact and began to fiddle with his hands. You distinguished the fire; allowing all your attention to fall to the Adeptus. His pulse rose again, causing him to shake.

"Xiao?" You called. "Xiao?!"

What's going on? You feel your heart tense, Is he having a panic attack or something? What should I do?

"I'm not a monster!" He cried.

You hug him tightly and stroke his hair gently with your (dominant) hand. How long has he been tormented by this karma?

"Y/N..?" He mumbles.

"It's okay." You reassure him, "I'm not going to leave you, alright? You don't deserve to be tormented like this."

He wraps his arms around you and rests his head on your shoulder. His heartbeat slowly returned to normal.

"I'm sorry." He sniffles, "I didn't mean to burden you. I..."

"You aren't a burden, Xiao." You felt safe in his arms, even though you were comforting him. "You have nothing to apologise for."

"But I... Killed people," He pulled you closer. "I don't deserve to be with you, let alone be in your presence."

"Xiao..." You hesitated, "I... I've killed more people than I can count... Just this year. I regret it but... The only thing left to do is live on."

He loosens his grip a little, "I don't understand my feelings. I... I like being with you. You comfort me but, I hate myself for feeling that way. It's like... I want you but don't want myself to be with you. What is this?"

You gently lift his head to face you. Xiao refused eye contact and turned red, you caress (stroke) one of his longer strands of hair. He's so cute.

"Can you look me in the eyes?" You ask gently.

Xiao was very hesitant, he flinched at any sudden touch. I won't force him to do anything, You remind yourself. He slowly turned his head to look at you, his eyes were filled with confusion, but also fear. He's scared...

"Xiao, I..." You stutter, "Why are you scared of me?"

"I don't know..." Xiao mumbled and tried to hide his face.

You remove his hands from his face, "Can I kiss you?"

"I..." He nods.

You slowly lean in, trying not to scare him. You gently place a kiss on his lips, it gave you the same feeling from when he'd kissed you in the inn: comfort. You go to lean back away from him but he grabs the back of your head and pulls you back in. He kissed you, even though he was still shaking.

"Don't... Force yourself," You say between kisses.

Xiao pulled away for a moment, "I'm not..." He paused and looked away, "I'm just... Not used to physical contact." He let go.

"Where's the bathroom..?" He mumbled.

"Oh," You stood up, "I'll show you."

Xiao stood up, holding the chair tight, he was still shaking. He tried to walk towards you but his knees weren't cooperating. He turned red and sighed.

"Do you need me to carry you?" You tease, "Who knew the mighty Yaksha couldn't walk after being kissed."

"Y/N!" He was red with embarrassment.

"I'm sorry," You pick him up princess style and carry him to one of the guest bedrooms. You place him on the bed and point to the bathroom inside. "Call if you need any more help, okay?"

He nods, "Y/N, I... Thanks."

"No problem," You smile before closing the door behind you. Xiao seems like he needs some time alone. 

You walk back to your desk and continue making your medicine. It was mostly a distraction but, it did also help when you had to fight. 

***

"I don't understand my feelings. I like being with you. You comfort me but, I hate myself for feeling that way. It's like... I want you but don't want myself to be with you. What is this?" Xiao's words ring in your thoughts, "I don't deserve to be with you, let alone be in your presence." Why does everyone either treat me like I'm some pure being or call me a monster? Why can't I just be a normal being? A being that is forgiven when it makes mistakes.

"The Traveller has a crush on you!"Aether..? "...I'll leave Xiao to take care of you... They're more likely to listen to someone they love than a friend." I'm sorry Aether. I wonder if he'll ever speak to me again. He probably won't...

"Y/N?" Xiao walked up to you, "I'm sorry about before, I freaked out."

"Oh," You turn to look at him, he was still red but he wasn't shaking anymore. "Don't worry about it," You smiled.

Xiao rubbed the back of his head, "This place is huge, what's your favourite part?"

"I don't think small talk is your strength," You laugh. "I spend most of my time in other dimensions. The only real things I use here are my room, the garden, the library and the alchemy. I do sometimes use the kitchen though." You hand him a plate of Almond Tofu.

"Thanks," He smiled. "You know me too well."

"Well, it's not like you eat anything else." You accuse, "You're cute when you smile."

Xiao turned red, "You're the only one who thinks that." 

"Or the only one you've smiled for," You stuck out your tongue.

"You're very playful," Xiao stated. "For a God."

Was that a compliment? "I'm going to take that as a compliment so, thanks?"

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A/N: Sorry this is posted later than normal. I'm struggling through it (ehe).

Take care!