Dear Owen

Five

"Can you taste it?"

"Well- I mean... why do they taste like so? Why would they taste like love?"

"I baked them with so much love. Like, I shoved my hand in my rib cage and took a huge chunk of love from my heart and I baked these... for you." I look at him. He smiles at me.

"Okay, let me taste now." I take a huge bite of the warm cookie. I nod, it really does taste nice.

"Yep!" I say. "It tastes like a huge chunk of love." He punches the air like a little kid then he opens the freezer and takes out a can of orange juice and apple for me.

"I'm glad you like it."

We finish eating the cookies in comfortable silence, just exchanging glances and smiles here and there. The silence wasn't even awkward. 

"You like baking?" I ask as I lead him to my room. I had asked Sasha to clean it up for me as we ate. 

"Yeah, my mom taught me when I was so young. I just grew up loving it, plus I love eating so yeah." 

We enter my room, he looks around familiarizing the space. I drop myself on my bed with a huff. 

"What were you up to in the morning?" he asks.

"I went out with my dad, I just came back really." I tell him. "And you?" 

I watch him get on my bed next to me, and instead of doing head and toe as we usually do he puts his head next to mine. I silently gulp and look up at the ceiling. 

"I was home, I had to water the garden, that's what I was doing the whole morning." he lowly says. I could feel his warm breath on my cheek. "Oh, I also went to buy eggs."

Today we didn't have breakfast together. I don't know why and that made my morning a bit sad. I understand the Collins were having breakfast with my dad so he won't feel lonely when I was in the hospital. I nod. 

Just look at him, just turn your head and look at him Owen! I do not.

We remain in silence for some time. I keep myself still just staring at my boring ceiling. I do want to face him, to see him like this, but I can't. I can't just bring myself to it. My eyes start to droop, as I begin to feel sleepy.

"Are you feeling well?" he asks 

"Y-yeah, I do feel okay- it's just I'm sleepy."

"Here." I feel him move before I open my eyes. When I do, the first thing I see is his chest, then I feel a hand wrap around me as he adjusts himself, I pull myself closer to him, letting my leg go over his hip. I close my eyes, processing what is going on as his musky scent engulfs my nostrils. I feel my heart pound so hard in it's cage, I freeze for a moment, before I take a deep breath and finally wrap my hand around him too. 
And in this silence, as my forehead rests on his chest, as we sleep side by side with no space, as I can feel his heart race in chest, I feel alive.

*** 

I wake up still cuddled with Guy. I stay like for a while. He is asleep, with his chest rising up and down slowly. He is releasing quiet snores. I smile to myself and hold him tighter, as if he can leave any moment, as if he disappear from my life. 
The sudden urge to pee wakes me after some time. The sun is now hitting the both of us on the bed. We are no longer cuddled, somehow I escaped his hold. I am now on my back resting on his stretched arm, there is now some space between us, not too big to fit a body though. I yawn and stretch my hand out. I study my right hand. It has improved from a month ago, but still horrifying to look at if it is a first time. I look at Guy, his mouth slightly open. He looks cute. I chuckle and gently poke his nose with a smile. 

I get up from the bed and take a long satisfying stretch and head to the bathroom down the hallway. I pee and wash my hands. As I am washing my hands I catch myself in the mirror. I look at my face. When I lost all of my body hair I could not identify myself. I could not even look at my face and not tear up. It was like I was a stranger to myself. Worse after I started losing weight, my cheeks became hallow and all the bones in my body would show through my skin. But as time went on, I began to accept myself .I began to notice the small little things, like my heart shaped fingernail, my red knees, the aching fingers, how no eyebrows look looks a little bit good on me. I began to notice how I look better with binnies than caps, I noticed the freckles that formed on my skin I noticed a lot of things about me. But regardless of these small things, there are times I become insecure and I just noticed these after I left the hospital. I have also noticed how I never want anyone but my dad to see me without a hat on.

I remove it, and wince at the sight. My hair has started to grow back. I know that. I can feel it, but it is still too small to see it. I finish washing my hands and go back to my room.

He is sitting  with the sun on his face, he has his headphones on. He smiles at me, I smile back.

"I found this new song."

"From?"

"From the archives of YouTube."

I smile sitting on my legs opposite him. "Not really, it has always been there like in my face, but I always ignored it because it looks so modern, so I tried it just now, and wow!" 

"Let me hear it." 

He removes his headphones and hands them to me. I put them on and wait for him to play it. He pressed play and looks at me with so much anticipation.

I laugh.

"What?"

"There is an ad playing."

"Oh." he fumbles with his phone a bit, then a song starts playing. I recognize it immediately. Shot At The Night by The Killers, but I do not tell him. He looks so excited for me to listen it. I listen for a white, until the music stops.

"You know the song." he states. I nod at him.

"Why don't I know it!?"

I shrug. "I don't know."

He smiles and opens his hands for me. I gladly fall on top of him with a chuckle before i rest my head on his chest up. 

We remain silent for a while, before I break the silence. "You know, I never imagined a life without my friends." I tell him. "Like, I constantly lived searching for their validation and life." He doesn't say anything. "My other friend dumbed me for a friend I introduced him to. I almost lost myself. Everything I did was centered on him, and that bothered me. Like how- why did I care so much. But then I got sick, and- and the only person I cared for became my dad.  Slowly I began to forget the times spent with them, my friends, I realized that, although friendships are so important- there is more- I didn't fight for my friendships anymore, I was fighting for my life." I only realize that I was playing with my hoodie strings when his hands took mine. He holds both my hands.

"Do your friends know that you are out of hospital?"

I shake my head looking at the door. I hear my dad say something to someone. And I hear clattering of plates.

"I don't know how to tell them"

"You should though, they must be worried."

"Yeah. I just want a life where I do not have to constantly worry about if they do or do not like me." 

He didn't say anything again. He just holds me closely between his bend knees. We remain like that until he had to go.