Day by day

🌄 66

 Loneliness & Guilt -

I feel terrible and I feel terrible for saying that. I am lonely. I feel terrible for it. I stare at the names on my screen. I love these people. I really do. But I am lonely. And I make myself feel terrible for it, cause how can you feel lonely when you do have friends? Yes, you cannot compare them to the friends you used to have. Yet you do. And it makes you feel lonely. I do not feel like a part of this group. They say they love me. They tell me I'm funny, and they laugh with me, and they appreciate me. They care for me when I feel sad. And I feel guilty. Cause how can I feel this off when I have them? How can I blame them partially for my loneliness? Why do I think I'm not as much a part of the group as they are? Why do I feel like they secretly do not like me as much as they say? Why am I constantly scared they secretly hate me? What if they talk shit about me? What if they judge my every move. I love them. But would they remember me as their friend if people asked them to name their friends? How long would it take them to name me? I don't expect to be a number one for any of them. Not even top 3. But do I even make it in the top five? Probably not. Meanwhile she is my number two. And the others? I love them so much, I want to protect them and support them and I try my best to help them when they struggle. How much am I worth to them? Do I matter? Would they miss me if I disappeared? I would miss them if they did. I miss them when I wake up and not all of them are around to talk to me. I miss them when they say Goodnight and I will still be awake for four more hours. Do they ever miss me? Do they say nice things about me? Am I just there? Am I just a background character to them? Am I in the background? I feel terrible for thinking this. Why can't I mean more? Am I not worth more than a background character? If this was a show, how long would it take until my role and actor showed in the list? Would I make it to the big names? Or do I disappear in the long list of names that people don't ever really look at? Loneliness is a mean feeling. Why does this eat me up so much? Why do I care so much? Why do I need their validation so much? Why am I crying about it? Why do I expect to be treated like a friend who's always been there when I haven't? Do they talk shit about me? Because I am not really in their group, am I? Am I really part of them? If I say something dumb, will they laugh at me? Do they screenshot the things I say and show each other? Do they? I feel terrible. They wouldn't do that. They wouldn't. They would not. I feel terrible for thinking it. Loneliness and guilt. What a combination of feelings.

January 2022