The Drumbeat Years (girlxgirl)

15

15

7th. October 2005 - Evening

Taking the elevator down to the lobby, Tina felt a sense of Déja vu. Her mind in turmoil, she recalled those days, almost ten years ago, where she had found herself alone after a night of passion she had never experienced before. Or since. Alone, feeling as though she had done something irrevocably wrong.

It had cost her a relationship. Albeit a toxic one. Yet, Tina had always sworn to herself that she would never cheat on anyone, nor be a third party in someone else's cheating. She had always believed that, if she found herself wanting to sleep with other people then the relationship she had had reached its end. She had broken that promise to herself and had regretted it ever since.

As the floor numbers flashed by, on the panel above the doors, she found herself looking into the mirrored surface of the walls once again. Her hair had not changed since the last time she had checked. Neither had her clothes, or her make-up. She checked, anyway, realising that her breathing had begun to race.

She should have told Kyle to tell the concierge to turn away the woman. Should have ignored the fierce urge to race down to the first floor. Kyle had not tried to persuade her, either way. He had only watched as she had raced around her bedroom, trying on different clothes, touching up her make-up, brushing short hair that barely needed any attention. She had wanted him to say something, but he knew this was her choice to make.

With the ominous 'ding' of the elevator informing her she had reached the lobby, she gripped the seams of her jeans and wished she had brought a far wider selection of clothes than the well-worn black items that she preferred to anything else. She had become too old for jeans and t-shirts. Too old to become so flustered at meeting someone that had hurt her in ways she had never thought possible.

The doors had already opened. The short corridor that led to the lobby area opened out before her, but she couldn't move her feet. With her heart racing, her hand reached for the floor buttons, hovering over her floor number. She could, if she wished, simply return to her room. Leave the woman stood, waiting for her, wondering where she was. As Tina had wondered where she had gone, back at the convention.

With a rattle and a jerk, the doors started to close and Tina found her hand flashing out to catch them. Clattering, shuddering, the doors detected her hand and began to open once again. She couldn't leave the elevator. She couldn't return to her room. She could only stand there, indecisive, shaking so much that she suddenly needed to use the toilet. She checked herself in the mirrors again and stepped out.

The short walk to the lobby felt like she were heading to her execution. Feet moving in tiny, reluctant steps. A couple of feet more and she would turn the corner. A couple of feet before she would see her again. Dawn. She felt a tightness in her chest and her hand gripped the front of her t-shirt as she leaned against the wall with her other hand.

Thirty-five years old and here she was, acting like a lovestruck teenager, about to confess her feelings to a schoolyard crush. Turning, she leaned back against the wall, resting her head upon the wallpapered surface. She felt tears pricking at the corner of her eyes. Tears! As another of the elevator doors opened, she turned away, lifting her hand to dab her fingers, drying the droplets welling at the edge.

A man and a woman, dressed for a night out, passed her by without a single glance. They seemed happy. Content. She wondered if she had ever had that. Whether she ever would. It seemed unlikely any more. Far, far too unlikely. She had tried it and found love wanting and painful. She didn't want it and doubted she ever had.

Letting out a little cough, she stood upright, waited for the couple to pass around the corner and then moved to follow. She kept the man and woman between her and the open space of the lobby. She could see the long, mahogany reception desk, and the hotel staff behind it, busy dealing with new guests, old guests, visitors.