choked

Chp.5- I'm Depressed

  I'm grounded for 2 months and I guess I'm used to being alone by myself. My world feels numb , I can't sense who I am anymore. Why have I become that someone I never wanted to be , why am I lying to myself about who I am? Why can't my parents understand that It's a need for me to be out there and show the world who I am , will I never be granted with that opportunity? It's not always me who is wrong , they never appreciate me and why can't they trust their own daughter for once? Depression is real , anxiety is real and it's not something that can be made fun of. There have been times , when I didn't want to live in this world anymore or just give up on all my dreams because no one ever told me that –'I'm proud of you!'. I kept believing in myself and without making a stop , I keep surviving.

What is it like being a teenager and a girl? Anxiety, depression, mood swings and going through thousands of phases. Simping over attractive boys, not knowing if I end up liking girls, surrounded by a judgemental crowd and stereotypical society. Studies, assignments and peer pressure, where Competition and comparison lie in the same plane. My life is messed up and chaotic like any other teenager reading this. All of it that I stated above for sure must be relatable for our early teen community. I grew up hearing "teenage are the golden years", but is it for real? In this whole journey of experiencing what teenage actually feels like let's talk about some minor topics which dodge our mind all throughout the day.

"PARENTS" beginning with a quite complicated subject, we haven't really understood one another. Them taking care of us is rather pictured as captivity and lot more. Feels unfair right when u can't wear the outfit you decided, or hang out with friends and of course no dancing around at night, where on the other hand our brothers are doing all the Scooby doo stuff and enjoying the shit out of themselves .We certainly know this is ethical but our conscience won't accept this .Parents convincing us into the fact that they are our friends and sharing every bit with them is absolutely fine, but that's not what it looks like! Once I tried to explain my mom that I wore a pretty A-line hot cut dress to a dinner date with my girl bestie and that's where is messed up, I heard a few words of appreciation because I looked pretty and a prolonged lecture on how I shouldn't be doing this. At the moment I anxiously walked away, because it hurt my so called 'teen ego.' As usual they very conveniently assured me that they only strived for my safety and nothing more. Later on realising how rude and obnoxious I behaved, I headed towards them and apologised for my doings. We had a talk that day, a pretty intense one about why they expected me to be bound to some rules and not cross certain limits. That was my first mature talk with my mother where we interacted, communicated, shared some fun experiences. I felt shielded and comforted with her warm hugs and blissful smile as she looked at me. Maybe I misunderstood my parents then, but I don't regret it because if this didn't happen I might have never understood their side of the story.

At this point of time, I'm in a stage that I'd love to explore the tiniest things the world has to give , not that I'm inviting drama but I just want to experience everything and make mistakes in order to learn a new part of life. It's ok if I go wrong , I can always be learning from my achievements and failure as well. Criticizing about the way I am , or the way I'd love to be does nothing but drop people's standards in my eyes. I'm sorry but that is just the way I am and if they want me to be a part of their lives , they will have to accept me with my flaws . No one's perfect ? No everyone can be who u like? I can't change myself for your happiness or bury down my feelings for you?

It's tragic but on the other hand I'd rather look at the positive side of life! , we're all curing , healing and trying our best to be who we really are, the world has so much to offer , it's wonderful how every little creature or thing has a purpose on earth and that's the reason we're meant to be here. This reminds me of a poem I once wrote in my journal.

It's called 'Solivagant' and it goes like this-

I always wonder what my purpose is,

Laying under the heavenly shadows of the trees and

The mellow lake flowing by,

I wonder about how gently the trees sway pass as I walk through the woods,

Why the butterflies are only attracted to the vibrant flowers

And why the waters keep flowing?

I wondered for days,

It felt like I was blind , for all the answers were in the things I saw,

The stars constantly reminding me to shine through the darkest of the times,

And the gentle waters that have taught me to go with the flow.

I observed that the butterflies were pointing me towards all the positivity and vibrant thoughts.

Times can get tough but the moaning wind taught me to ace through all the coarse times.

A pen taught me how write things that I'm grateful for and birds leaded my thoughts to fly.

The moon never decided to give up on earth and never did the sun!

I sat down by the fire,

My perspective towards seeing things had become merrier!

The seasons taught me to change with time ,

Books made me outspoken!

For the moment I thought I knew,

But at the end all the answers showed!

For the light must be turned on by one,

In order to cope with the darkest of times.

                                                                                    -Aralyx.

Sometimes your fear might eat you up , but what you need is to come out of your comfort zone in order to actually achieve what you want to. No one can destroy you if you learn to entertain yourself and respect the ones dear to you.

Today was rough but as always I'm looking forward for better tomorrows and who knows? Maybe I'll learn something new in the 2 moths that I'm spending bymyself? I Don't how I'm going to make it up to my friends and my explanation about Holmes is still awaited. I'm willing to do it at the right time but I know that the time isn't now.