Let's Be a Team

July 2021 was a month to remember for the award-winning director, producer, and writer Noah Baumbach. His new film project, based on Don DeLillo's 1985 satire White Noise, began filming in the beautiful region of Northeast Ohio. Noah, born and raised in Brooklyn, had never experienced the thrill of Ohio living before. He found the cornfields captivating, the hyper-religious billboards evocative, and the economic devastation provocative.

After spending countless hours in Hiram, Akron, Cleveland, and Wooster, Ohio, Noah finally discovered his favorite city of them all: Wellington. Wellington was actually considered to be a village, but Noah Baumbach knew no difference. He did not waste his precious brainpower on geopolitical designations.

Wellington, a quaint town of under 5,000 inhabitants, charmed the socks off of Noah. He loved the old houses. He loved the potholes. He loved the moldy school gym. The air smelled like exhaust fumes, and the sky looked like ash. Did he know that there had been a massive Trump rally just weeks before? Did he know that a Wellington resident was under suspicion of participating in the January 6 Capitol riots? Absolutely not. Noah Baumbach knew nothing about the backdrop of his latest film. That was obviously a job for his location scout. As far as Noah knew, the Trump flags flying from each passing house may as well have been invisible. Stupid, stupid Noah.

Despite Noah Baumbach's newfound love for Wellington, all was not well in the prolific filmmaker's life. His relationship with Greta Gerwig, another acclaimed director/writer/producer, was rocky. The pair had reached the 11-year mark in their relationship, which scared Noah. Before meeting Greta, he had been married to Jennifer Jason Leigh for eight years, which proved to be much too long for Noah. He got antsy when things last too long.

Unbeknownst to the general public, Noah and Greta had recently gotten married in secret to commemorate their long-lasting partnership. It was so secret that their marriage wasn't listed on any online resources, so don't bother looking it up. Noah thought that maybe marriage would make their relationship stronger. Shortly after they signed the documents, he rewatched his film Marriage Story and felt an overwhelming sense of dread. What had he been thinking? His marriage to Jessica had failed miserably due to irreconcilable differences, so how would this marriage to Greta be any different? To put it plainly, Noah was different. He did not mesh well with these women. Why had he thought that he would mesh with them? How could anyone truly understand him?

Noah started to feel panicked every time he saw Greta, which was unfortunate because he had cast her as the female lead in his new film. He had thought it would be nice for the two of them to be together during filming, but he felt discontented. He resented Greta, and he suspected that she resented him, too. Greta knew that she didn't need him, and Noah predicted that she would leave him once given an opportunity. Noah could see their marriage crumbling from a mile away.

Noah thought about leaving her immediately, but he couldn't. He didn't want to sacrifice his new film. If he caused a rift, Greta would never be able to give a convincing performance. He told himself that that was the only reason, but he knew that there was another. Although it embarrassed him to admit it, he didn't want to be alone. Despite the hard, rugged, masculine exterior that Noah Baumbach presented, he was a sensitive and neurotic soul. He knew it was a weakness, but he couldn't help but feel like he was floundering if he didn't have a piece of arm candy clinging to him on the red carpet. Unfortunately for Noah, he knew that he had to wait until White Noise wrapped. He would make it through the next few weeks, and then he and Greta could both free themselves from their unhappy union.

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Noah strode onto set with some pep in his step. His hair was effortlessly wavy, he had a cool navy sports jacket on, and he was wearing his new Prada shoes; he was dressed to impress. He chose not to wear a mask: COVID, be damned. He needed everyone to get a good, long look at his face; they certainly needed to have an unimpeded view of his nostrils.