The List » Zarry (M-Preg) ✔

17: First Valentines

The phonecall Harry had with Zayn that night on his birthday turned out to be a major eye opener for him. So much so that later that night, he called and apologized to his sister. Why? Because it was that night that he understood exactly what he was missing in his life.

It was similar to the night he made up with Zayn over hot chocolate after their argument at Planet Burger. That was the first time he realized there was someone out there who could cure his loneliness without having sex with him. What he hadn't yet figured out then was that Zayn could actually do more than that. He didn't even need to be there with him to cure his lonelines anymore because even when he wasn't there physically, he was in his mind. He was occupying his brain with thoughts about what Zayn was doing, who he was with and who he was thinking about.

The truth is Harry didn't really want to think about him. He wasn't supposed to. Especially since Zayn coming back in his life at all was a mere accident spearheaded by one simple event: a birthday that consisted of too much cake and playtime.

He could've tried justifying multiple occasions where he was allowed to think about Zayn in his free time. Occassions where Zayn had said or done things that if Harry didn't know any better, he'd think they meant Zayn still had feelings for him. But what would be the point? It had been almost five years. He was pretty sure whatever feelings Zayn once had for him had come and gone by now.

Then there was himself. He couldn't have still had feelings for Zayn either. Not after nearly five years of disdain he spent having for him. Just because Zayn suddenly came back in his life and told him the truth about everything, he couldn't just completely forget that ever happened, could he?

Or could it be that he wasn't forgetting, but ignoring? Could the frequency of Zayn's visits along with the late night phone conversations have jumbled up his brain and confused him into thinking he never stopped loving him when he really did? That was the only thing he could think of. Because other than that, there should have been no real reason to be thinking about him as much as he was.

That's why when Valentine's Day arrived and he was still wondering if Zayn had found anyone to spend the day with, he knew he needed to do something. He needed to stop thinking about that man and his pretty face, the way he would smirk at him whenever he said something clever. He had to stop thinking about how sweet he was with Benjamin, how he fit so well into the available spaces of Harry's life without needing to force his way in because he still remembered how Harry operated and what he needed to feel the most comfortable. He just had to stop thinking about him. Because if didn't, he might find himself doing something he wasnt truly ready to do.

"I'm really glad Benjamin is visiting his Grandmother today." Liam had said.

He was lying in Harry's bed with him, underneath the covers.

"Why do you say that?"

"Well because you sounded like you were having a lot of fun today. I would hate to have missed out on that."

Harry covered his eyes and groaned.

"Ugh, I'm so embarrassed."

But Liam reached over and took one of his hands from his face.

"Stop it. You don't have to be embarrassed. I had fun too. I always have fun."

"You always have fun?"

"I do. As long as you are enjoying it and as long as you always want to do this, I am having fun. So it's good."

Harry let down his other hand and smiled over at him, letting his dimples show.

"I'm glad you have fun. But I don't mean to be so... me. I guess I just let loose because when Benjamin is here I have to play the hush game. Which is kind of daring and fun. But sometimes I like to show my partner how I feel about what we're doing."