Vengeance Of Ideals (Career Series #4)

16

Trigger Warning : Trauma, Abuse, stress, mental disorder

Troy's POV:

"For real Troy?!" As I show my report card to my parents they yelled at me. "What the hell! You're literally proud of your 92.76 general average huh? Having these kinds of grades at highschool?! Napakabobo mo wala kang kwenta!" My dad stood up at the dining table and slapped me so hard.

"Troy high school na nga lang hindi mo pa mapataas grades mo?!" Maam showed me a disgusted look. "I don't know why you're mind is so dumb, nakakahiya ka sobra. Nung panahon naman namin, mga 98 general average namin, bakit ikaw hindi mo manlang mapa abot ng 95? Even 95 is low! Sinira mo araw namin ng tatay mo." Mom slapped the report card to my face.

"Grounded ka for one week! Bumalik ka sa kwarto mo at 'wag ka magpapakita sa pagmumukha ko at makukuha mo ang hanap mo!" Dad screamed at me.

I immediately went to my room and closed it. I locked the door and slowly fell on the ground. My tears started to fall from my eyes. I'm getting scared, frustrated, stress about myself and my grades. Their treatment to me is always like this when I reached highschool. 

During my years of elementary, i've always had a 97 general average and will always be top 1. When I reached highschool years, it became hard but somehow manageable. My grades went down to 92 and my rank went to top 8. My parents would often hurt me physically and my classmates would see bruises on my arms, legs, and neck. 

I would often lock myself in my room and cry over night. I was such a lonely person. I didn't know what's my purpose in life. I didn't know what career should pursue. I lost my will and motivation. I couldn't find the support I need. I couldn't find the comfort and embrace of a parent. I was treated like a stranger in our family, a monster. Masakit....sobrang sakit. Wala akong mapagsabihan ng problema ko....walang wala. Hindi ko alam ano gagawin ko.

"Mom, dad....." I approached. "I'm graduating high school already and tomorrow would be our graduation." I smiled. "Would you come?"

"At bakit naman kami pupunta sa tanga tanga na hindi maayo ang grades? Hindi, grumaduate ka mag isa mo. Tanga!" Dad said. 

I felt a chest pain of what they said. "Ma, pa......please it's my graduation please attend....."My voice broke. "Kahit ngayon lang please, I just want to be loved and to be seen." I said.

"Aba demanding kang amputa ka ah?!" My dad punched me in the face which made fell down. "Pupunta lang kami sa graduation ng anak naming matalino, eh matalino kaba? pabagsak ka nga eh!"

I ran to my bedroom and closed it very hard. I cried so loud and I started to throw things inside my room. My anger went really high. I couldn't stop myself. I kept on shouting and shouting. I punched myself and the wall until my hands started to bleed. Inuuntog ko sarili ko sa inis, sa galit. "Fuck fuck! Pagod na ako! Ayoko na!. Ang sakit sakit na! Nakakapagod na mabuhay! What's the purpose of living if your life is hell? 

I didn't understand myself anymore. I couldn't control my emotions. Intense anger, intense excitement, extreme sadness. I don't know what is happening to me. Those things would happen everyday. When my parents raises their voice I'm getting frightened and would end up at my room and I would have my tantrums. When they hurt me, i'll get sad for a long time. The feeling of severe sadness, losing motivation, losing interest in life, suicide ideation. 

There are times when I just kept on cleaning my room on and on even though it's clean. Times when I kept on running and running inside my room and would often laugh by myself. Times when I lose motivation, I don't eat, I kept on sleeping. I would stay in bed the whole day and would just feel the sadness and cry about it.

I went on a psychiatrist and I've had my sessions but one day, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. 

"Bipolar 1 disorder with psychosis ang sakit ng anak n'yo po." I was beside my parents and I was looking down but listening to the doctor.

"This disorder has manic and depressive episodes. Pag manic, punong puno ka ng energy, hindi ka tumitigil pero dito ka rin nakakasakit ng mga tao physically. Depressive naman nakakaramdam ka ng severe sadness." My psychiatrist explained.

"Doc bakit po nag ka gan'yan ang anak namin?" Mom asked with a shaking voice,

"There are many but the studies would say maaring sa environment, genes and it could also be by stress or trauma."

Those

Verbal abuses, Physical abuses, Lack of child supports, shouting, Loneliness
, Losing ,Sadness ,Parents, Mom, Dad

Were my big traumas in life.

Until I reached college I took my meds for it but it doesn't change the fact that I'm still lonely. I'm not that person to open up to anyone anymore. My parents was always busy with trials and cases. Sometimes due to stress I don't drink my meds and I would have my episodes.

I reached law school and I met her, Azariella Hernandez a business Ad student. At first I already knew she was a kind and a soft girl. She won't get mad but maybe I was the excemption. Should often get mad at me when we first met because of my attitude but those times that I'm grumpy or annoyed, it was probably because of my starting episodes again. I feel crazy when I drink meds. I don't know where to find help.

Time passed by when I confessed to her and she confessed to me. We went into a relationship and I was a coward. A big coward. I didn't tell her that I have this disorder. Not because she would judge me but I'm afraid that she would put so much effort in me because I'm a bipolar.

"You know what Troy, people who have mental illness aren't there to be humiliated of who they are. They are there and people would support them and guide them throughout because they need it. You can't go through it without any support. It's frustrating if you would rely on your unstable mental health." She carressed my hand and looked at my face. "You know what, kahit ano ka pa, I would accept you and love you unconditionally."

We promised together that we would go through this problems and fix it together until we achieve our big goals.

Endgame rather.

Azariella is someone who really takes care of everyone person, a friend of her or a stranger she's there to help. She's the only girl that I saw kindness inside. Where a world full of darkness but she made me realize to shine. She's not my therapist but because of her, I was able to help myself through times.

She thought me how life is important. She helped me with everything, monitored me to drink my medications even though it's not her responsibility. I appreciate her so much. I love her so much but it's painful for me that I couldn't do anything for her. She's the always one who would do everything for me even though it's risky. I hated myself for being coward. Wala akong silbi.

I love her so much, mahal ko siya pero hindi ko alam kung were still for each other. Her standards as a human being is way to high. She's kind, soft, competent, loving, every good trait can fit her.

I harmed myself again and this what I hate about it. I'm being a burden to her, a really big burden. She shouldn't be focusing on me, she has a big life. Her school, friends, family, her career to pursue, social life. Pero she puts me as her priority. I appreciate it but I hate it to the point that I'm being useless.

Mahal ko siya, I love her....so much but about what's happening right now, she's struggling. I'm struggling. Getting tired.......both of us...
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