Daphrene Darson Dopples' Sea Bestiary for Dummies

Here's the simple crap

Now all you pansies might think you're head honchos who know the ocean like the cracks of your asses. You sailors might think the water's perfectly safe so long as you've got a boat. Well, I've got news for you, folks, the ocean's never safe unless you've got the proper teachings. The name's Daphrene Darson Dopples, but you can just call me Cap'n Dopples, and I'm gonna teach you idiots all about the terrors of the deep.

First off, you've got your man-sized creatures. They're pretty easy to avoid, but they like to group up, so keep an eye out. Not all of 'em group up though, some of 'em just like to ambush you or yank you into the water like a crocodile. Sea serpents can't crawl for shit, a lot like sea snakes. They're extremely venomous and sneaky, so if you see anything resembling a really big snake, you're done for unless there's some land nearby. Next up is mammals. Mammalian sea beasts are pretty smart, but they're also pretty distractible. Not as fast as the lizard-looking ones either.

However, mammalian sea beasts are pretty big for the most part, and when they get mad, they don't play around. Ever met an angry walrus before? Try imagining one of those guys, but ten times bigger, and twice as cranky. That's what you'll probably come across for the most part when it comes to confronting furry sea monsters. They're also hot-blooded, obviously, so leading them into cold waters won't do you any good. Those guys thrive in it. Unlike reptiles.

Speaking of which, reptilian sea monsters are really sluggish in cold waters, and they're pretty damn ravenous. Luckily for you, they're pretty clumsy on land. However, if you plan on beaching 'em, good luck with that, no amount of sunlight could dry 'em out, they love that stuff. But if beaching them isn't enough to keep 'em away from you, then you're likely up against a lizard one that's able to crawl like a seal or croc. Or as I like to call 'em, "Metrigars." Then there's fish monsters, the dumbest and hungriest of the bunch. They're a lot like sharks and frogs, they'll eat anything they can fit in their mouths.

It might not come as a surprise that sea monsters live in the twilight zone. Deep-sea ones are nocturnal, like to hide in ocean caves, hate sunlight, all that crap. Since they're night dwellers, they like to come up to the surface at night, lure ya in, then eat ya whole. They're not too good at chasing in the daylight zone, they just like to ambush or trap stuff. If you want 'em to leave you alone, flash something bright in their eyes. They hate noises, but that doesn't mean you should yell at 'em. It doesn't scare 'em, it just pisses 'em off.

I made the same mistake when I met my first deep-sea Devil a few years back, but that's a story for another time. Not all sea monsters are as vicious as advertised though, there's nice ones too. "Nice" is putting is loosely though. In other words, I'm referring to the ones that don't try to kill you the second you dip your digits in the drink. That also includes green-eaters, singing porpoises, and sometimes bottom feeders if there's vegetation sitting around. In other words, car-sized mammals, big-ass snails, man-sized slugs, but I wouldn't take my chances. You never know which ones are gonna be nasty once all the green's gone.

Speaking of bottom feeders, there's also the crab-like ones and the lobsters. The crustaceans are bad asses, the tanks of the deep. The crab-like ones are pretty aggressive, hate intruders and challengers. Lobster-like ones are shy, but won't hesitate to crush your ass if you mess with their eggs. If you wanna get rid of those guys, just splash some eel oil all over their faces. They're deadly scared of those slippery, little bastards.

Then there's the little ones. These ones are small enough to fit in a fish tank, but big enough to gnaw your fingers off. Y'know, like piranhas or gars or needle fish. Speaking of which, I'd recommend watching out for any red-spotted flounders. I swear, those flat-faced bastards are bloodthirsty. Next up are the spineless ones, like snails and slugs. Those ones are pretty harmless for the most part, but I don't recommend touching them. Some of them are pretty poisonous and like their space.

Oh, and before I forget, lemme tell you about the nastiest kinda sea beasts: Leviathans. To cut it short, these bastards are really, really, really big, and they like to live super deep in the sea. They're not very easy to come by, which you should all be thankful for, but meet one and you'll be in a world of hurt. These guys kill and eat anything they see!

Okay, I think that's just about all the categories. Mammals, reptiles, sea serpents, crustaceans, spineless dudes, little ones, Leviathans, and the dolphin-sized ones. Oh, one last thing... You're stupid. HA!! GOTCHA!! Alright, onto the interesting stuff now.
-Dopples