Rainbow Eyes

More than Friends?

The day after our first meeting, I went on a short vacation to see my family. This also met I wouldn't see him again for about a week. We kept in touch through texts. I didn't know how he felt about me because he never made any "moves" beside one time when he said he wanted to cuddle, but I knew he was more to me than just an acquaintance. So we kept texting while I was there and for the first time in my life, I didn't feel lonely.

He even asked when I'd be back and I started imagining him picking me up from the train station, standing there, waving.. It was too good to be true but nonetheless a wonderful fantasy.

A few days later I was finally back home and talking to him via text. Things were still casual but I felt safe, so of course, when he texted me that he was on his way home from work and asked if I wanted to hang out I agreed. He suggested we should hang out at my place since the temperatures were still low and it was hard to keep a conversation while casually freezing to death.

I wasn't used to having male guests at my apartment but it was different with him. I usually would get nervous and have a constant feeling of discomfort, but he calmed every ounce of my anxiety. We sat down and I offered him some water. We started talking about random things I don't really remember. He played a song on one of my guitars and sang in his native language. I don't know if that was his go-to move, I just knew that it was very effective. I guessed I stared him down a bit too harshly which ended in some very intense eye contact. I mentioned that my eyes looked different in every light because they have multiple colours, kinda like a rainbow. He laughed and said his eyes were basically black. I agreed. You could barely make out where the pupil was and I kept staring into his eyes like black holes pulling me in with no way of escaping.

I managed to pull away and went to the kitchen to get more water and when I got back to the living room, about to sit down, he started tugging on my sweater. My brain immediately connected the dots and made me "flee" to the corner of my couch. He was gonna kiss me. I just knew it. 

We talked for about two hours, when I began to get really tired. He noticed and suggested he would leave. I agreed, since I could barely keep my eyes open at this point, so I got up to put his water glass in the dishwasher. He followed.

After turning off the kitchen lights, I felt him tugging on my sweater again, but this time.. I was ready for what was about to happen. I turned to face him, looked into his deep dark eyes and let it happen. My very first kiss. 

After he left, I texted him. I felt the need to explain any possible awkwardness that might've occurred, so I told him that it was my first kiss. That I wasn't yet ready for more and that I hoped he would understand.

His reaction was kind and understanding. He stated he would be content with just cuddling and sleeping together without having sex. I was over the moon, but my excitement would soon find it's end..

A few days later, I was trying to contact him again, only getting cold and lifeless responses. I asked if everything was ok to which he had a small outbreak of - what I call - "Attachment Panic".

He told me he didn't want anything serious. No relationship. Nothing.

I said I was ok with that which led to him being confused.

It was a messy situation and at the end of it he said he didn't want to do "this" anymore.

This would be the last time I would hear from him in about a month.