Ipê Branco

Reflection.

How had things gotten here? How had things gotten so complicated? Confused and worrisome?

She questioned, looking down from the 14th floor, at the people walking on the streets, taking care of their lives unaware of how sad and miserable it all was...

Humans were difficult to understand when she was at her best, but it got a thousand times worse when she couldn't take hold of her own feelings. Why did she have to fall in love with no restraints or restrictions? Why did it hurt with a mere thought? Why, when one of his simplest smiles or his fingers touching her hair came into memory, did her heart ache?

She was a fool for believing she could shield her heart from him. Still, she could already tell that it would never happen by the telltales of his voice in her ears when he wasn't around. By how she felt lost and alone when he was away.

The way his cold gaze and distant attitude crushed her soul.

She closed her eyes, not wanting to see the starry night up above, and focused on the night she had him in her arms. He was happy... or was he? Were all his smiles and praises and everything been a lie? Did she mean nothing to him?

She was a fool for falling in love with him. He was a Colonel through and through, ready to follow orders and get things done. And her? She wasn't a soldier. Just another pawn in his hands to be used and discarded when he saw fit.

She was a fool, all right.

Better to fall in love once than live yearning to feel it and never do... Bullshit! What good was it to have your hopes, dreams, heart, and soul get crushed in a matter of minutes? The pain she felt was more than emotional. She could feel it every. damn. time. he avoided looking at her in the conference room. The way he walked past her without a glance. How the others had nothing else but pity in their eyes and compassion in the way they treated her.

She was a fool, all right.

Stupid, naïve, and hopeful. She was willing to give herself to him. All and everything. Be his that night and all the others to come.

Maybe her mother was right. Maybe humans were a lost cause who didn't know how precious life was. Raging wars and committing crimes in the name of peace. Destroying each other and the one place they called home. Earth.

Maybe she should return home to her family. Be surrounded by their love and nature. Run among the trees, race against the animals, and rest on the ancient root of a tree trunk. Swim with the fish and let the sun warm her skin. Be one with the one who mattered. The one who fed and took care of her and her family. The one who was kind to all life on the planet. Gaia.

Yes. Maybe she should go home to where she was safe. Safe from the horrors of humans and from the heartbreak of him.

He who had made her feel trusted. Part of something special and unique.

All she wanted was to prove she could protect others and was not a person who needed to be constantly protected. A strong woman. A worthy woman.

She opened her eyes again in time to see the rising moon disappearing behind the clouds. The lights on in the buildings and houses around her caught her attention. She imagined how her life would be if she were human. Living one day after another in sweet ignorance. After all, ignorance was bliss. Would she find someone to love? Get married and have kids? Would she be happy? Love and be loved?

Shit! She was loved. Her family loved her, and she knew it, so why was love so important to her that she couldn't stop thinking about it? Why was his love so important to her that she couldn't stop thinking about him? Imagining a future where they could hold hands, lace their fingers. Kiss until their lips got swollen. Embrace the other and feel safe and needed and wanted and loved... Ugh! There it was again. Love, love, love. It would give her nothing but heartbreak and pain and misery. Please, please stop hoping for something that is never going to happen!