Love me // Judd Birch x Reader

10: smiles and laughter

I watched as Dean grabbed the first cocktail glass and sat down on a kitchen stool, his gaze examining the table to probably see which one he wanted to try next. Judd secretly wrapped his hand around mine whilst we were waiting for everyone to grab their own drink and sit down so we could do a little toast. Iona grabbed a pornstar martini off the island and began curiously peering at it with her eyebrow a little raised, she then made eye contact with me and I gave her a little confused look and she giggled before asking me what cocktail this was. 
"That, my friend, is a pornstar martini." I said proudly, everyone nodding in agreement except Iona, whose eyes had widened like saucers. Her face suddenly flushed red and Julian began teasing her because it was the first one she picked. 
"Iona knows plenty about that profession, don't you?" Judd suddenly cut into the conversation and everyone turned around to face him, some with a face of disappointment, others with disgust at the fact that he had even brought that up. I knew instantly that this was not a subject to touch on lightly and turned to face Judd with an unimpressed look on my face- it wasn't very smart of him to bring that up especially because of the torn expression and teary eyes that Iona had on her face. 
"Was that really fucking necessary?" I asked, he rolled his eyes and took a sip of his drink, I clenched my jaw and then looked back at. Hearing him talk like struck a cord in me, he didn't really know what had happened to me in the last four years, and despite the little talk that we had the night before, there was a lot he didn't know. 

I hadn't noticed everyones eyes glued to me after my little snappy remark. Dean on the other hand let out a little chuckle and lifted up his glass as if he were cheering to that, Judd's eyes glanced quickly in his direction and then back to me. The silence after what I had said lingered and it suddenly made me feel very uncomfortable. Brenna was the first to look away and glanced towards her glass and then finally was the one to break the silence. "Anyone feel like a game of cards?"
"Fuck this." Judd said, letting go quickly of my hand which made my heart sink to my feet. He got up and walked out of the kitchen and to god knows where, I wanted to follow him- to talk to him and clear up the air and explain why I had reacted so harshly, in all fairness I didn't think what I said was that harsh considering the way he had spoken to Iona. His remark was in fact unnecessary, but I took a deep breath and tried to get up, only to find my feet completely glued to the ground.

"Excuse me." I mumbled under my breath before getting up on my feet and finally leaving the room, but I didn't go and follow Judd- instead I made a beeline for the toilet, like always. Without realising my jaw had been clenched the whole time I slammed the door shut behind me and let out the breath I had been holding in. My hands gripped the sink and I watched as my knuckles began to turn white.

"Useless, it's useless." My voice echoed in the corridor of my apartment block, the flat was the one right at the end but as I looked up the corridor only seemed to get longer, the distance seeming like miles. My legs and back ached from work and all I wanted to do was get inside and collapse- I had no energy left. I had cried at work when no one was looking and there were no customers, I wanted-no craved Judd's embrace. All I wanted was for him to look at me with that little smile he reserved just for me and for him to tell me that everything I had been doing up until now had been for something. "Come find me please." My voice cracked as my legs buckled from underneath me, sending me straight to the slippery concrete floor. Sobs erupted from my mouth as I threw my head back in agony, it felt like every bone in my body was about to snap. 

I walked out of the bathroom a few moments later, my hair pulled up messily. I could hear chatter from the kitchen and breathed in a sigh of relief, everything had seemed to go back to normal and I could even hear dean accusing Brenna of stealing his cheerios. Smiling, I walked back into the kitchen to also see Judd sitting there with his arm around Iona's shoulder, when I walked back in he turned around and made eye contact with me- sending me a sorry smile. The corned of my lips went up in a sort of forced smile- he patted the seat next to him which he had somehow reserved. Julian looked at me and nodded for me to sit down to which I rolled my eyes and sent him a toothy grin. 

"You took your time missy, urgent business in the bathroom?" He said, holding up his cocktail and twirling it gently in a composed and classy way. I gave him a sarcastic reassuring nod and he let out a little laugh. Sarah on the other hand was downing this random drink that she had made herself, I looked at her and raised an eyebrow.
"I'm telling you, it's a-m-a-z-i-n-g."
"Let me had a taste then." I replied with a cheeky grin, she nodded and passed me the glass with what was left and I took a sip, my eyes widened a little and I glanced back up at her, "You're not wrong, this is so good." She had a proud beam on her face and she took back the glass. 

"Are really going to stay here all night?" Julian said, unimpressed all of a sudden.
"What do you mean by that?" Iona replied, furrowing her eyebrows. I really wanted to look at Judd but we had agreed to keep everything under wraps of course so for some reason I felt like I couldn't even glance his way. 
"Well, there's a new club that's opened recently- I wanted to check it out that's all."
"You just wanted to go because Anthony is going." Sarah blurts out sassily, recieving a round of 'ooo's from everyone. 
"No, Bruce is going to be there and honestly I couldn't care less if Anthony is going." Julian says, trying to play it off. 
"Cap." Judd adds, I bite down on my lip to hold back the laugh that was about to come out of my mouth. It was just the way he had said it instantly. I looked around the kitchen just to lock eyes with Brenna who was also trying not to laugh to spare Julian the embarrassment, seeing as he had already turned a very dark shade of red. 

"I'm down to hit the club." Dean piped into the conversation 
"Don't try to act cool because (Y/n) is here, we all know you've only been to maid cafe's- that doesn't exactly count as a club." Julian snapped, everyone was silent except Iona who burst out laughing and then tried to cover it up with an awkward cough. 
"You'd be going there too if you saw the maid outfits they wear." Dean glanced away with a disheartened look on his face, I knew he probably thought it was going to be some sort of comeback but if anything he had only embarrassed himself further. 
"God we're all getting a little aggressive aren't we, fuck it lets go." I finally broke the ice that was starting to form in the room, everyone looked at each other and then nodded- we then began chatting about car arrangements. Sarah said that me and Judd were going in Judd's car, to which Judd agreed almost instantly. I felt his hand suddenly squeeze my thigh and my head snapped to look at him with wide eyes to which he smirked, taking his hand away soon after. I tried to calm down my heartbeat by thinking of really disgusting things, but everything disgusting thought somehow transformed into Judd doing something to me (which really didn't help my situation at the moment). 

Eventually we all got our things together and walked to the car, I was walking beside Sarah- who was looking blankly ahead, Judd being a short distance behind us. When we got there Sarah took the back seat, I widened my eyes and awkwardly got in the back which when Judd got in made him look behind at me, making eye contact. "There is a front seat you know?" I chuckled and nodded, getting out of the back and sitting comfortably in the front seat, glancing over at him to see his face concentrated as he put the keys in the ignition. 

"SHOTGUN ON THE WAY BACK THOUGH!" Sarah exclaimed, popping her head in between the front seats from the back. 

"No." Judd replied flatly.