my journal...

Let's begin'

I smile every day even when I'm sad

To put behind the misery that I have

I laugh out loud when I'm happy

'cause the sound of silence haunts me deeply

I work on something every day

To achieve something I guess

'cause I don't know my goal

I'm a confused soul who's afraid right now

Scared of being regular and

Unknown to what's different

I don't wanna be like everybody

but don't wanna be alone.

I don't like being stupid but

that's what I'm good at

I hide all my pain in my silence

Time taught me some things

and I'm not the same anymore

I feel excluded by my friends

every time they talk among themselves

leaving me there

all alone

Even my best friend doesn't know who I am

he just knows a particular version of me

I wanna know my best friend

Like no one else does

But friendship doesn't work like that

he should also be willing to do the same

I'm just an overthinker

overthinking about life

making things difficult

for myself all the time.

Ignoring what life has to offer

and considering the aspects of death

Leaving behind the love and

leaning towards hate each second

I'm usually the one helping others

when in reality,

I'm the one in need of help

so desperately

I'm dying from the inside

but somehow I survive

each time

I forget everything when I've got some company

and remember each sorrow when I'm alone

I hate loneliness so much I can't even tell

thoughts of dying have started to occur

ever now and then when I'm alone

Now death doesn't scare me that much

just the fear of surviving after trying to die

prevents me from trying anything

I don't care about my family, my friends

or anyone right now

I just want to be happy right now

Every time I try to pick myself up

and begin a fresh start

Life just throws some random sh*t in my life

I mean what the f**k

I just don't give a sh*t about any of it nowadays

all I care about is that I can enjoy the present

and not think about the past

but somehow I always end up crying

whenever the happy memories flash

in my mind

The memories I wish I could forget

remains in my mind and keeps replaying each time

I try to be happy

and boom I'm crying about a moment in which I'm happy

'cause I know I've forgotten how to be happy anymore

 

The pain never ends.

To be continued...

Written by Infinity AL