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I remember the time when my best friend and him are talking. They are at the corner of the library. I moved towards their direction secretly and eavesdrop them. It seems important so I listen attentively, hiding at one of the bookshelves near them. Then, I figure it out that they are talking about me.
"She was probably get away from my grasp even if it was tightly, very tightly"
"Why do you say so?"
"She wanted freedom. So... I will give it to her"
"Why do you give up suddenly? I thought you will wait for her?"
"If I hold on her for a longer time, she may get hurt - we may both get hurt in the process"
"But love is partnered with pain, they say"
"I somewhat agree with that but it's obvious that she didn't want - she said it many times that she likes me but I don't feel it. It feels like I was forcing her into something that she doesn't wanted to be in"
"Did you ask her how did she feel about you? What is her true feelings?"
"Action speaks louder than words dude and you know her. She doesn't want to be cornered"
"Yeah so what's your final decision?"
He heaved a sigh, having a hard time saying it.
"I want her happiness, a genuine one that she cannot get from me, ever" he paused.
"That is why, I will let her go" he continued.
After that last statement of his, I walked away. A tear fell onto my cheeks, I wiped it away and mouthed "thank you' even if he didn't see it.
He knew all along and understand me better than I do. I keep on contemplating my feelings about him, making myself believe and every time, every single time, it was like a torture to me. I feel the guilt creep into my heart whenever I see him, think about him. It felt so wrong yet - I don't have a courage to tell him what I really feel.
■■■
I stopped by one of the famous milktea shops here at Dunmore. I was meeting someone. It's been a decade since I last meet him.
While waiting, I ordered a milktea, matcha flavour then I went to the bookshelf to get something to read.
I was too early for our meet up but it was okay, I have more time spending it in one of my hobbies which is reading. I love knowledge and wisdom that I could get from each book that is why instead of going outside I would rather stay at the comfort of my home, sipping my black coffee while making myself productive.
I have a lot of leisure pursuit. I paint, draw, do some handicrafts, bake, read which I mentioned a while ago and many more to mention.
My best friend always ask me when will I get myself a boyfriend and I tell her that I don't need it, I'm enjoying my own company. She wasn't satisfied by my answer which is why she keep on matchmaking me in every single guy she knew, putting us in a blind date and every single time I didn't show up.
She told me that I will be spinster if I did not show up for the last guy who she thinks the best among the rest but I did not, as always.
She was kinda annoying but I know she is just worried about me but I'm really fine being single for life.
I look at my watch, exactly five minutes before our rendezvous time, I heard the wind chimes of the shop rang indicating someone enter the premises.
From the book I look at it, putting carefully the book at the table, setting it aside and stand up, calling the person I was waiting for. He looked at my direction and smile charmingly.
He made a beeline to where I was, at the end of the milktea shop near the bookshelf.
"Take a seat" I said offering the front chair.
He gladly accepts it and sit on it. He called a waiter then order something. He ask me what do I want and tell him I'm fine with my matcha milktea while showing him my drink.
He roam his eyes around the milktea shop, observing every detail that he see. I get back on doing the thing I do a while ago, reading a book.
I was in the midst of immersing myself in the book when he suddenly speak. I almost glare at him but I realize that we suppose to talk not do our own thing.
"How are you?"
I close the book before answering him.
"I'm fine. How about you?"
"I'm glad. Same as you do"
I just smiled and an awkward silence filled the atmosphere. Then the waiter comes putting what he ordered. It was strawberry cheesecake milktea. When the waiter was gone he spoke.
"Any report?"
I chuckled "It brings back many memories, pres".
"Yeah, So... How's life?"
"I'm an accountant in a certain company here. How about you?"
"You know, architect"
"I'm very pleased that you achieve your dream"
"Hmmm"
We stopped having a conversation again, there's no awkwardness this time, listening to the music and I start to drink my milktea.
"I admire you"
I stopped halfway of drinking my milktea.
"You became a better version of yourself. But, I found someone better than you" he continued
I smiled at what he just said, a genuine one. He was surprised by my reaction, wasn't expecting that. Maybe he thinks that I should react the opposite way. But, things are sometimes you didn't expect it to be.
He frowned at me, curious why I react that way, he just insulted me, he thinks. So, I answer him even he didn't ask me.
"Thank you" I mutter still smiling.
"Why? I insulted you and-"
I cut him off and explain myself.
"Because you've done a lot to me, you are one of those people who contribute something that made me what I am now, so I'm thankful, no, it's grateful for all the things you've done to me."
We talked for a couple of hours then we decided to go home after he gave me a wedding invitation.
I was roaming around the park. Having some fresh air.
A saw a few couples at the street, they were sweet to look at. Which I dreamed about having a partner who will stay by my side, accepting my flaws, giving me warmth whenever I'm cold. Just like in the song "I wanna grow old with you".
I'm always chasing someone way back then. Finding... seeking... for a lover, for a partner. I was too young that I never knew what really matters the most in my life. Instead of that, I found what I really want. It is the consequence of what I did, what I really hope for and yearning for. So from now on, I'll do my best to be more better. To grow is to mature and maturity is what makes me more better.
