Under the Surface ~ A Demon Slayer Fanfic

Don't Show It

TW: Panic attack, slight mention of abuse

Zenitsu POV

I listen as Inosuke and Tanjiro continue talking, eyes straying to the cuts along the former's leg. I had no idea how much he was struggling, and now I wish I had payed more attention. But I was too wrapped up in my own problems...

Speaking of which, my leg has begun to bounce, and anxiety envelopes me. I try to still myself and focus, ashamed as I was taught I should be. There's no reason for this random stress - it just happens. It's not normal, and I don't want the others to find out.

Tanjiro's hand absentmindedly finds Inosuke's, and I roll my eyes at the obviousness of their feelings. They always try to hide it from me, from each other, from themselves. It doesn't work in the slightest.

I hide my hand in the folds of my kimono and pick at the nail, trying to keep myself from chewing my lip. It's pointless - it's a habit I've been trying to break fro years, and it's never worked. The others are too busy talking and staring at each other to notice. Oh gosh. I'm gonna be a third wheel soon enough.

Finally, Tanjiro looks up and smiles. "I should go hunt for dinner. You two stay here."

I nod and hurry over to my tent, closing the flap and sitting, finally giving in to the anxiety for a moment. My breath speeds and my hands shake. Just for a moment, I tell myself. I just need to get the jitters out. But now thoughts flood my brain:

What if something worse happens to Inosuke?

I was so useless helping him.

Oh gosh, I hope Tanjiro is ok.

As my heart rate increases, I try to calm myself, but it doesn't work, which just makes me panic more. It's a vicious cycle, one I know all too well, just like the blanket of fear that covers me. I'm barely hanging off the edge of a cliff, a river of panic at the bottom threatening to sweep me away.

I'm startled off the edge by the crash of a pot falling outside.

It's too much. My hands press to my ears and I squeeze my eyes shut, curling into a ball. I gasp out broken sobs as I lose track of everything but the fear, the absolute primal panic.

Everything seems to float, but at the same time I'm completely trapped. My hands are shaking, but they won't move from my ears. I can only sit there as someone opens my tent and rushes in.

My ears are ringing as a gruff voice calls out. A second person runs in, kneeling beside me and grasping my hands. They try to pull my hands away, but I resist. I can't handle sound right now.

The two someone's sit by me. The second rubs my back and now I'm panicking because I'm being a burden to them. Just like I was when I was a kid.

I lose track of time as I begin to rock back and forth, instinctively wincing when I do. My teachers used to slap me when I rocked.

After what could be hours, days, minutes, I tear my hands away from my ears and dry my eyes. I look up to see Tanjiro and Inosuke, worried looks in their faces. I try to put on a bright smile.

"Sorry, got a little out of control there. It won't happen again!"

Tanjiro looks startled. "Zenitsu - what do you mean?"

"I'm saying I won't be a problem anymore!"

"A problem? The only problem is that you just had a panic attack-"

"Huh? Panic attack? No, I just got scared is all. You know me."

Tanjiro looks at me with a raised eyebrow. "You were crying and shaking."

"Yeah, but don't I always?"

"Not that badly."

If only he knew.

"Listen, that was nothing. I've had worse-" I stop and curse myself internally.

"Worse?! Zenitsu, this has happened before?"

"Like I told you, it's nothing!"

Inosuke breaks in. "Denying things won't get Ganpachiro here off your case. Trust me."

Tanjiro turns to glare at the other for a moment, then turns back to me. "He's right. There's no point."

"Ok, fine! I get nervous sometimes for no reason! And sometimes it gets out of control! That's all there is to know!"

"Then why didn't you tell us?"

"Because it's wrong."

Tanjiro looks baffled. "Wrong? What makes you think that?"

"You mean you didn't get in trouble for biting your lip? Or crying? Or - or having panic attacks?"

They shake their heads.

"Yeah, right." I laugh, but their faces are dead serious.

"Really?"

"Yea! Why would that be a bad thing, something to be ashamed of?"

"Because-" I falter. Why was I told it was wrong? There's nothing I can think of.

"Exactly. It's completely normal. How long has this been going on?"

"Since I was a little kid. It wasn't that bad until a few years ago. The worst-" my voice breaks. "The worst I ever had was when you two left me to go to that mountain. I could barely breathe. It felt like- like I was dying."

Tanjiro's eyes tear up, and even Inosuke looks regretful. "I'm so, so sorry. I didn't know."

"It's not your fault."

Tanjiro smiles his ever present smile. "I promise we'll help you. If anything makes it worse, or better, tell us. We're your friends."

I smile and nod. "Ok." I take a shuddering breath, the after affects of the attack still lingering. I'm suddenly filled with exhaustion. Attacks always do this to me.

The others must note my need for sleep. They stand and walk out.

Once they're gone, I lie down and close my eyes, trying to sleep. I smile as I drift off, because when Inosuke and Tanjiro were sitting by me talking...

They were holding hands.