Under the Surface ~ A Demon Slayer Fanfic

Don't Break

Tanjiro POV

After dinner, which I don't eat, I slip away to my spot. I just need to reset, collect myself. I tromp through the woods, listing my slipups in my mind. One skipped meal for every time I lost my smile; every time I showed sadness or anger. By the time I'm at the spot, I've counted 5.

I sit down in the middle of the clearing and breath deeply, trying to push down the lump in my throat. This always happens on days I slip up a lot: the fear and shame that I've let everyone down floods into me, and my breathing speeds. Every time I try to control it, and every time I fail.

Despite my efforts, the first tear falls, and then I can't control it. Tears cascade from my eyes, and my breath comes in ragged gasps. Shame, sorrow, the fear of hurting others fill me, a sensation I'm much too used to. Nothing makes sense, everything is out of control. As much as I try to calm down,

I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

This is my ultimate weakness, my biggest secret. The breakdowns that happen nearly every day. But I can't break down, so before I face the others, I always build myself back up. It gets harder and harder each day, but I can handle it. I need to be strong. For the others.

I find myself curled in a ball on my side, crying almost as hard as I had earlier, when I found Inosuke. Oh gosh. Inosuke. And Zenitsu. They both have problems that I failed to notice. I have no right to be crying like this, they have it worse than me. I have no problems that are worth this. I force myself to sit up and gulp air.

I force the tears to stop and dry my eyes. I have myself under control-

At least I thought I did. Until, without thinking, I add the latest breakdown to my list of slipups.

"6"

I fall to my knees, sobbing. My hands thread through my hair and I unconsciously pull at it, a habit I thought I had broken. I try to distract myself from my emotional pain with the physical hurt, tearing at my hair with no control. It isn't enough to distract me from the internal pain, though.

A rustling in the leaves. I stand quickly and wipe at my eyes and nose, slowing my breathing.

Inosuke crashes through the bushes, laughing and yelling.

"Tanjiro, guess wha-" he stops when he sees my face. I realize I'm frowning and quickly paste on a smile.

7 meals to skip.

Inosuke walks forward and cautiously reaches out and wipes away a tear that I missed, looking at my face with confusion. I curse myself for causing him pain.

8.

He looks at me, sadness in his eyes, and his eyes widen when he sees the spots where I ripped my hair.

"Why?"

It's the same question I asked him earlier. That hurts  more than anything, that he needs to worry about me when he's the one suffering. So I smile brighter and reply, "What do you mean?"

"Why were you crying? Why did you..." he gingerly brushes his fingers against the sore spot on my scalp, making me wince.

"I don't know what you're taking about. I'm fine."

"No you're not! You're not the only one who can tell when people are lying."

I set my jaw and clench my fist. "I just felt bad about hurting you guys, ok? I'm fine!"

He looks genuinely confused, but I know he's just acting. "Hurt us? You didn't hurt us-"

"Yes I did! You don't have to pity me- you're the one suffering, and I wasn't strong for you. I know I have no right to feel this way."

His mouth presses into a thin line and he looks at me with concern. "You have the right to feelings."

I try to keep myself in check, but those few words kill me. I begin crying again, then hide my face in my hands out of shame. Inosuke stays by me, even though I'm silently begging him to stay away so I won't hurt him more.

He pulls my hand away, and I'm too weak to resist. His hand cups my cheek. I don't meet his eyes.

"Listen to me. You can feel whatever you want to. You have every right to be sad, or happy, or angry. You don't hurt us by being human. And you can tell us when something is going on."

I shake my head. "I had it under control. I had a system."

"System?"

"Every slipup is a skipped meal. And it works!"

His grip on my hand, which I hadn't noticed, tightens. "Has it kept this from happening?"

"Ye-" I begin, but I falter. Has it? Not really. "No. It didn't. But I deserve it." I pull away from him. "And I don't deserve you. Or Zenitsu, or Nezuko, or anyone."

Inosuke POV

Tanjiro walks away as I watch helplessly. I don't know what to do in this sort of situation. But I can't just watch Tanjiro suffer and do nothing. I love him.

Platonically, obviously.

I jog to his side and grab his hand, stopping him. He doesn't make eye contact as I begin to talk."Please, Tanjiro, you have to believe me. No one thinks you're a burden. You're the best friend anyone could ask for. You don't always have to be happy, just like Zenitsu doesn't always have to be calm, and I don't always have to be strong. And you need to take care of yourself."

"If I stop this, then it'll get worse. I'll start- this again." he holds up his wrist for me to see, revealing scars just like the ones in my legs. I startle and tears fill my eyes.

That's the last straw. I grab his shoulders and force him to face me, to look me in the eyes. "Neither of these have to happen.  You just need help! And now you have it. Listen, nothing can make me or Zenitsu hate you. No matter what happens. I'll still love you." My face turns red. "Um, I mean-"

He smiles a genuine smile and moves forward. I think he's going to headbutt me, but he presses his lips to mine. I'm confused. Is this normal? Whatever it is, it makes me blush harder and feel strangely giddy.

He pulls back and laughs at my confusion. "Ok Inosuke. I'll try- I will stop. As long as you help me."

I nod, feeling strangely light headed.

He takes my hand and we walk back to camp together. This time, he doesn't take his hand away before we get back. We break through the trees and Zenitsu, who's stoking the flames, doesn't give our interlocked fingers a second glance. We sit by the fire as the air cools and darkness comes. I shiver, and Tanjiro puts his jacket around my shoulders. Zenitsu rolls his eyes and fake gags.

We sit in silence for a bit, then I turn to Tanjiro. "Hey, what was that thing you did that made me so damn giddy?"

He looks at me with confusion.

"Yknow, when you head butted me with your face."

"Oh, you mean when I kissed you?"

"When you WHAT?!" Zenitsu cries.

I blush bright red. So that's what kissing is?

Tanjiro laughs kindly at my expression, and I'm surprised to realize I don't mind. I smile sheepishly. Zenitsu is still trying to comprehend this turn of events. Now I'm laughing at him. And then Zenitsu is laughing too.

We sit there, around the fire, laughing in the night, forgetting everything else.

Together.

Disclaimer: I got the idea for that "headbutt me with your face" joke from a meme I saw online lol