Dear Agony

Chapter 6: Taps

Grey sheets of heavy clouds hung in the endless sky as a gentle yet remarkably cool breeze descended down upon the ground. It was the end of June, and this was the first day in weeks that the heat was not unbearable. The dark grey clouds managed to shield away the bright light of the sun, but at the same time there was no chance for rain, even though Natasha wished it would.

Maybe this all wouldn't be as hard if this wasn't the first funeral she had ever attended, well, funeral for someone she cared about that is. Death was something she granted to others, and for the longest time it wasn't a threat to her. She had nothing to lose, because if she succeeded she would take a life, and if she failed her life would be taken. When she was a KGB agent there was no prolonged guilt or consequences, it was survival of the fittest. But now, she wasn't the one doing the killing, or having her life threatened, but she was in death's mockery. Now, death did not take mercy on her.

The simple thought of where she was and why she was here, was unbearably numbing. As people gathered out of their cars, talking amongst themselves as if everything were normal, she stood silently, waiting for the ceremony to start. She knew what she was feeling, but didn't know if it was right. She didn't know if her grief was enough, if it was doing Clint justice.

After all, no one tells you how you're supposed to feel or react to grief. Society tends to give the impression that any emotion is the right one, and that you can react to triumph or tragedy in any way; that there is no right or wrong. But that wasn't true for Natasha, and after spending half her life as a brutally ruthless hunter, most emotions tended to be a foreign concept. For the longest time she didn't have to feel anything, for anyone. She was exactly what she was trained and made to be, a mindless killer. Like a dog whose only purpose in life is to fight, who knows no love, just survival.

But that was one of the many priceless contributions Clint Barton granted to the young woman's life. He showed her what emotions were, and essentially, taught her to be human. He loved her despite the fact that she didn't know what love was at first. His understanding and compassion, was what allowed her a second chance at life. Having the privilege of loving such a man made her nearly empty life, worth living.

Now here she stood, quietly trying to even fathom what to do now. Without Clint, would she slip back into her old self? Her insecurity of thought was evident as she clenched her hands tightly, and her head was gently tilted down, to avoid eye contact with others. Natasha was grateful that only a minimal amount of people showed up. There were less than twenty agents of SHIELD, several other government, police, and military officials. They all calmly stood around the gravesite, and Natasha remained silent as they waited.

The hearse arrived and behind it Steve, Sam, Rhodey, Tony, Thor, and Bruce. Since SHIELD respectfully served the U.S. government, an American flag was draped over Clint's casket. Natasha watched from afar as the six men carried Clint downhill. Despite being a super soldier, it took Steve all his energy to march forward. They carried the fallen Avenger, in one final act as a team. They beared the weight of the broken team.

After the casket was laid down before the crowd, the service began with a series of speeches. Natasha avoided looking up at the speakers, or the casket. Instead she looked down, at her white clenched hands, or at her black heels as they dug into the dirt. The dull shade of the clouds made her sleek ebony black dress even darker, and her fiery red hair a deep crimson. Her blank emotionless face was even paler in the unsaturated atmosphere, and her sharp eyes glazed with that of empty thoughts.

Finally, Steve stepped forward to deliver the team's eulogy for their fallen comrade. He had a confidently serious and formal look to his sophisticated gestures, but that was only masking an unstable layer of melancholy. Clearing his throat, the super soldier nodded to himself, taking a moment to gather himself before speaking in a doleful yet strong voice,