Nineteen 19

Beginnings happen unnoticed

Ahh, 2021 what a shitty year, I can only highlight 3 positive things that happened, my kitten came into my life, Taylor swift released her Taylor's version albums and I decided to dye my hair blue, one of the best impulsive decisions I've ever made in 19 years.
But now it's December and I'm thinking about how neither the horoscope, false positivism or God could help me get out of this void in which I find myself floating, I no longer fight, I just let myself go, just like I let my now red hair fade out with salty cheap shampoos.
Today I turn back home after a week at my brother's house where  I was supposed to rest 20 hours and work for 4,but they just finished hitting my soul, mind and body, literally his children are wild and being his babysitter made me reaffirm my decision to never have children .
My parents are happy to see me and the truth is that I almost cried when I saw them arrive at the station, it was as if after all the year that I tried to look strong they knew that I actually spent time convincing myself to stay alive for the simple fact of not be a number in a suicide statistic during the pandemic.
Somehow their hands tried to comfort me and made me walk with them.
Something changed in them during the week I was away, something for the better, and it gave me a tingle of hope.
When I got home I couldn't help but confront them about my feelings waiting for them to tell me theirs and I saw them cry, without looking one another and I felt them declaring their love for each other, my parents have always been clear with me and my sisters about everything, we have a lot of confidence but we had never cried at the same time, not even at my grandparents' funeral, there was always someone to support us, but this time nothing held us, we cried and in the end we get up together thankful to have each other after a year full of death and negative energies.
I felt normal for the first time in the year, as if everything stopped going so fast even though I couldn't help it that my ears and head wanted to explode at that moment, but we had a wedding to attend and even though I expressed my reluctance to attend I put on a short dress even though I hadn't shaved my legs, laced up my uncomfortable heels with the idea of not dancing tonight and put on lipstick knowing the mask wouldn't let it show until dinnertime but it made me feel good about myself.
Music and drinks would help me continue to maintain the little serotonin I had just released.
As soon as we arrived I thought about the last time I was at this place I was 16, started feeling kind of anxious, weird, but it will pass when I start drinking.
I was discreetly looking at the handsome waiter who was chatting with a girl staff, but when he quit his mask to drink water I went back to feeling 16 again and my hand started shaking.
Was he really here?