Riley's Excellent and Not-at-all Fake Exorcism Service

Epilogue

Welcome to Riley's Excellent and Not-at-all Fake Exorcism Service, How Can We Help You?

"Don't you think we should have at least talked about the name before you launched the website?" Andrea said, frowning.

"Or hung those posters on every street corner in Manhattan," Lawn said, shaking his head.

"I don't get why you don't like it?" I crossed my arms. "It's a great name."

"It's a bit of a mouthful," Andrea said, sighing.

"More than a bit," Lawn said, leaning back into the couch cushions. He was looking at the website I had made on his laptop, which was resting on the couch's armrest because Cat was curled up on his lap.

Thomas was standing by the balcony doors, watching Lawn with envious eyes, which made me roll mine.

"And you shouldn't have anything about it being fake in the title," Lawn continued thoughtfully, with a finger resting against his chin. "That'll make people think it is fake."

"That's just stupid," I said, rolling my eyes. "Why would telling people it's not fake make them think it is?"

"Well," Andrea replied slowly. "It's just . . . it seems like you're trying too hard to convince people that we are real . . . you know?"

"I don't know," I pouted. "But whatever . . . I bought the domain name. I registered us as a private company. What's done is done."

"You could have at least put our names in there as well," Lawn said, with a sigh. "Or better yet, had no one's name in there at all."

"A name adds a human touch," I snapped defensively, as I poured myself a drink at the mini-bar. "Besides, we're using my apartment as a home base, so it should be my name."

"You could have done Riley & friends or something cute like that," Andrea suggested.

"No one wants a cute group of friends handling their demon issues," I said, sipping my drink. "We're not like Scooby-Doo and those teens."

"Their group was called Mystery, Inc," Lawn said, smirking. "Which is a nice, simple, and catchy name."

"Well, I'm sorry!" I huffed. "But I like it! And, you know, that out of all of us, I'm the only one who has exorcised demons before! So I think I've earned the right to pick our name!"

Andrea and Lawn looked at each other as the room filled with silence.

"Well, I like the name," Thomas chirped.

"Of course you do," Andrea grumbled. "You like anything and everything Riley does."

"Well, that's true," Thomas winked at me, and I rolled my eyes. It was definitely our thing.

"And you don't even have our prices on here." Lawn gestured toward the screen of his laptop. "It says the price will depend on the situation. What does that mean?"

"Well, I mean we can't charge the same for, like, a single possession as we would for a mass possession like in Lilith's Gardens," I explained.

"Still, we should give a ballpark figure."

"Or not charge at all," Andrea chimed in.

"Nope! Not gonna happen," I said, shaking my head. "Momma got a fucking Manhattan apartment to pay rent for. Momma needs cash."

"Momma?" Lawn cocked his brow. "Are we supposed to call you that now?"

"I wouldn't mind that," Thomas said, grinning.

"Oh lord," I said, flopping down on the couch next to Lawn. "Please forget I ever said that."

"Okay," Lawn smirked, "Momma."

"Ew." I elbowed him, which caused him to shift slightly, waking up Cat, who cast me a scowl and hissed.

"I'm just saying, I feel weird about taking people's money for this," Andrea continued. "I mean, we're going to be saving people from demon possession . . . how do you charge for that?"

"How do you not?" I fired back. "We're going to be putting our lives at risk."

"Try to think of it this way," Lawn reasoned. "Doesn't the church, in a way, also save people from demons?"

"I guess so," Andrea said, nodding.

"Not really," Thomas frowned.

"Shhh," Lawn held up a finger to Thomas, then turned his attention back to Andrea. "And they take donations, don't they? They have expenses, they have to be able to self-sustain, just like we do. So, try to look at the money we get from people as . . . donations."

"Yeah," she said, smiling softly. "That makes sense, I guess."

"Damn, you're good," I mumbled under my breath, and this time Lawn nudged me with his elbow.

"Well, before she gets here," Lawn said. "Maybe we should decide on a price?"

"Nah," I said and sighed, shaking my head. "I want to hear more about her situation and then decide. Also, I want to see what she looks like, you know, where she's from, what her job is."

"Why is that important?" Lawn looked at me questioningly.

"Well, if she's, like, middle class or lower, I'm going to charge her less than if she walks in here with a Gucci purse and a small dog in it."

"Riley, we can't charge people based on how they look!" Andrea exclaimed with wide eyes. "That's discrimination."

"Eh," I waved my hand dismissively. "It's not discrimination if they're rich, I'm just being opportunistic."

"Riley, I think it's better to have a set price," Lawn pushed. "If you charge everyone differently and it gets out, people you charged a lot for our services might come back and ask for refunds."

"Who cares?" I rolled my eyes. "If they do, we make up some bullshit about how the demon they were dealing with was a level five demon and that's why we charged them more."

"I just don't think it's right to judge people on how they look," Andrea said, staring down at the floor.

"It's not how they look, really. It's more about what they wear, if they have a job or if their trust fund babies or whatever. I mean, if a homeless person gets possessed, are we just not going to help them because they can't pay us our fixed rate? That's why for someone like that, maybe we charge them a penny, and if someone flies in on a mother fucking helicopter, maybe we charge them a million bucks. And that's why the website says the price will depend on the situation."

"And who will determine the price," Lawn asked. "You?"

"Well, yeah. I mean my name is in our company's title."

"Riley," Andrea started to protest.

"Raise your hand if you've ever successfully exorcised a demon." I lifted my hand high into the air. Everyone else just looked at me, hands down. "Exactly, case closed."

"That's not really fair," Lawn half chuckled. "Remind me to exorcise the next demon so you can't keep doing that."

"Sure, if you're not passed out, I'll remind you."

Before he could deliver a comeback, there were three knocks on the door. We all looked at one another, then I jumped up from my seat, straightened my clothing a bit, tucked my hair behind my ears. Turned around once more, giving the room a thumbs up.

Then I cleared my throat and opened the door, before introducing myself, "Welcome to Riley's Excellent and Not-At-All Fake Exorcism Service, how can we help you?"

Damn, it is kind-of a mouthful.