The Habits of My Heart

Jordan

I sat on my bed, earbuds in my ears, as I watched the "She Looks So Perfect" video for the fourth time.  I missed those boys so much; I wanted to cry.  Before the fourth playing had a chance to finish, I shut my laptop abruptly, pulling the earbuds roughly from my ears and tossing my computer on the chair next the bed, hoping that it wouldn't crash to the ground.  I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and stood up from the bed.  It was dark out, but the warm light from a street lamp near my window shown through, helping to cast deep shadows across the room.  Everyone else was in bed for the night, so I tiptoed downstairs quietly, hoping to not disturb anyone.  

I opened the fridge, putting three large ice cubes into a mason jar.  The mason jars had been functioning as glassware for the past few months, but I didn't mind.  I filled it to the top with water and took a small sip, grateful for the refreshment.  As I leaned against the counter, I noticed the mail sitting in a small and neat pile next to the toaster.  Mikal or Nina must've gotten it today when they were out.  I sifted through it briefly, looking to see if there was anything addressed to me.  Sure enough, there was a check for me.  The boys still refused to take my name out of the band, so every month, I received a check.  Sometimes, it made me mad because I wasn't working nearly as hard as they were.  Actually, I wasn't working at all.  However, the money was nice, and as the boys became more popular, the amount on the checks started to go up.

I grabbed my water and my check and took the stairs back up to my room.  When I got there, I shut the door lightly behind me and moved my laptop to my small secretary's desk next to the window.  Setting my water and my check down on the desk, I sat down in the wooden chair placed in front of the desk.  I unlocked my computer, taking me back to the video.  I immediately closed the tab and opened another, going to Facebook.

Not long after we moved to Iceland, Paul and Lindsey got married.  It was a small family gathering on the beach.  Surprisingly casual.  Paul didn't wear a full tux, but he had a vest and a tie.  Lindsey's dress was simple but elegant.  It flowed perfectly in the breeze as they stood at the alter.  After the wedding, they had gone on a six month long honeymoon, adventuring all over Europe.  On my news feed, I saw pictures of them in Paris, their last stop before heading home.  I missed seeing them.  I hadn't seen them since their wedding, and I knew that no one had, but I also knew that once they went home, it would be a long time before I'd seen them again.   

Before I knew it, slight tears were falling down my face again.  I missed my family.  I had Aimie here, and Mikal and Nora were great, but I missed the people that I had spent basically my entire life with.  After a little cry, I wiped my tears and looked over at the check sitting on my desk.  The numbers stared up at me, practically blinding me.  Could I do it?

I immediately cracked my knuckles, closing the Facebook tab and looking for one-way flights back to Sydney.