The Habits of My Heart

Luke

"Luke.  It's time to wake up," I heard someone say, my shoulder being shook lightly.  I opened my eyes slowly, finding myself in my bed, on top of the covers and still in my clothes from yesterday.  I was laying on my stomach, my face squished against the pillow.  I craned my neck up, coming face to face with Calum.  His face showed slight pity, like it usually does when he looks at me.  

"Hi, Cal," I groaned, rolling onto my back, stretching my arms out.  

"Good morning, sunshine.  How did you sleep?" he asked me, sitting down on the bed.  I rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands.

"I think I slept okay," I told him.  "Maybe I was a little too tired."  He laughed.

"Yeah, you still have your clothes on," he pointed out.  I nodded, sitting up.

"Yeah.  I didn't get a chance to change," I said.  Calum stood up and let me swing my legs over the side of the bed.  Once my feet hit the ground, I stood up, but almost fell over, losing my balance.  Cal stuck his arm out, making sure I didn't fall over.  I put my hand on my head, hoping that the dizzy spell would pass quickly.  Cal helped me to sit down.  

"You alright?" he asked.  I nodded.  "When was the last time you ate?" he asked.  

"Yesterday," I told him.  He narrowed his eyes at me.

"How much did you eat?" he asked again, his voice filled with a bit of accusation.  I looked at him thoughtfully.

"I don't know.  Not a lot, I don't think," I told him.  He sighed.

"Luke, we're all worried about you," he said.  I nodded and looked down at my hands.  "I know Jordan left, and I'm sorry about that.  I miss her too.  But we need our friend back.  Our friend that is still here with us.  Jordan's off in Iceland, which we can't do anything about.  But you, we can help.  We know that you aren't the same, so we want to help you.  Okay?" he said.  I nodded, and he smiled at me.  

"Okay, I'll try to do better," I told him.  Cal pulled me into a huge hug, instantly helping me to find some sort of motivation inside of me to work towards happiness.

******

Cal and I walked downstairs to find the boys chilling in the lobby, waiting for us.  Mike and Ash looked up from their phones, and when they saw us coming towards them, they stood up.
 
“Breakfast, boys?” Ashton asked us.  I nodded, giving him a tight-lipped smile.  We decided to just walk down to a small bakery just down the street.  The morning was brisk, but it wasn't freezing.  I guess my Australia-born body still had yet to adjust to the cold temperatures of the north.  I was doing better, but I still wrapped Jordan's scarf tightly around my neck.  Once we got to the bakery, I could feel the goosebumps raised up on my skin, even with a coat on.  I was thankful for the warmth of the bakery, the smell of sugar and coffee instantly filling my nostrils.  I sighed with relief.

"What do you want?" Mikey asked me.  I looked up at the menu, attempting to figure out my options.

"Just get me a scone and a cappuccino," I told him.  Cal gave me a look.  I rolled my eyes.  "Get me two scones."  He nodded, satisfied.  The other boys told Mikey their orders, and I went to find a table.  I found an empty booth towards the back of the shop and plopped down, taking my coat and scarf off.  I held the scarf in my hand, staring at it intently.  Sometimes, if I put my face into it and breathed in deeply, I could still smell her.  It had been months, though, and her scent was almost gone.  

I set the scarf down abruptly as the boys came back over to the table.  Mikey handed me my coffee and Ash handed me the scones.  I held my coffee in my hands, breathing in the scent and letting the hot liquid cool my frozen fingers.  They all sat down, and we began eating in silence, which was unusual.  At least for them.  Even when I wasn't talking much, they were still pretty rowdy.  Maybe it was because it was still pretty early.

" So, I'm going to try better.  I know I've been pretty shitty lately, and I apologize," I told them.

"There's no need to apologize, man.  It's nothing you did," Ash said.  I nodded, looking down at my scone.

"Yeah, but I've still been a downer.  I could've at least tried a little harder to make you guys feel a little better, " I replied.

"Don't.  Luke, you've had a rough patch.  Yeah, we all lost Jordan, but you had a different relationship with her so you took it differently.  We aren't blaming you for anything, and we don't want you to have to hide anything from us.  If you feel like shit, just tell us.  We're basically your brothers," Cal told me.  I smiled at his comment.

"Okay.  I'll try to do better then," I said with a smile, and I went back to sipping my coffee.