The Looked After Child

October

I stared at the two pink lines as my hands shook. Placing the plastic stick carefully on the bed I dialed Matthew, shuffling from around the room.
'Hello?'
' there's two lines.' Shakily picking up the test off the corner of the bed and angling it around under the light.
'You're sure?'
'I'm staring at it right now there's two lines and it's not going away' i whispered Giddily. I glanced around the room, anxious to keep my voice down and make sure no one over heard our conversation. The walls sermed too thin and my foster carers always wanted to know my business. Opening my camera I sent a quick photo to Matthew and told him to check his WhatsApp.
' I thought you said it could take up to a year' he murmured down the phone.
' so did I, thats what it said online but there's two lines' I told him as chewed my nails.
' so you're pregnant?' Matthew asked me.
'I'm pregnant' I confirmed grinning down the phone. I sat up in bed holding the test in my hand in disbelief as we mulled it over. We weren't expecting it to happen in the first month, truthfully with everythnig that had happened I believed there was no way I would be lucky enough to get pregnant so quickly. I half convinced myself I would be infertile or it would take me the full six to twelve months to conceive.
' this isn't the plan' I sighed to him down the phone.
' life never goes according to plan and kids don't have plans' he chuckled. I sighed staring down at the test again. Now it was here was this what I really wanted? I told Matthew my worry that being pregnant whilst still in care meant they would automatically take the baby away. I worried they would deem me an unfit teenage mother because of my mum and dad and the Foster homes i had been in because of them.
'They can't do that baby, your eighteen in two months, a legal adult so you won't be a teen mum besides you have nothing to do with your family problems it's not your fault your in care' I nodded to the two lines on the test almost reassuring the baby inside me of this fact too.
' I know but they just see a kid who grew up in the care system because her mum in an alcoholic and her dad is disabled. They'll say I have no support system or role model.' I knew their games and the tricks they would use. They loved taking babies and putting them up for adoption, I didn't know one young mum who kept her baby without courts and social services.
'Are you happy?' Matthew asked. truthfully I wasn't.
'No. I'm too worried. This wasn't the plan , it wasn't meant to happen like this'
'We just have to keep it quiet for a couple months we'll be fine baby don't worry' Matthew reassured.
I wanted to be, i wanted this , something to provide a better future a life for someone to give better opportunities and dreams too. I just didn't know if that would get ripped away from me before I got the chance. I would rather have an abortion then let them take away my baby.  No child deserved to go through the system. I just had to keep the pregnancy under wraps till I turned eighteen, then they couldn't say anything as I'd be a legal adult and they would have to treat me like anyone else. I just prayed it was enough.
'If its not what you want you can change you're mind.' His voice echoing down the phone.
'Abortion? No I'd never do that. I want this baby . It's mine, how could you say that?' I was crying now glaring at the suggestion of it.
'I'm not babe I'm just saying if you're not ready and you don't think you want to anymore because of stress or social then you have options.' Matthew tried to calm me down as I sniffled down the phone.
I love you' i curled into bed with my phone against my ear and I closed my eyes and tried to imagine matthew was laying next to me.
'I love you to baby'

I spent the next couple of weeks anxiously typing pregnancy symptoms into my phone and over analysing every little twinge, ache and sign in my body. I left straight after dinner to go to my room not wanting to be around Phil and fran in case I opened my mouth. O was awful at keeping secrets and i carried quilt with me for it wherver i went. At work the smell of popcorn made my mouth Water and gag everytime it wafted in my direction. When I sat alone thoughts of morals, futures and finances made me question myself all over again and I felt like I was constantly walking around waiting for the walls to fall in on me. I felt even more unsure of what I was doing.
One evening shift at work I ended up spilling everything to a random manager, my guilt eating away at me.
'So are you pregnant?' One of the managers leant against the wall and smiled over at me. I was terrible at keeping my mouth shut and had been blabing about trying for a baby and giving out way to much bodily information. It was like I knew I needed to shut my mouth but words just kept on coming out.
' I think so yes, but I need to book an appointment with a doctor first to confirm. Although pregnancy test rarely give a false positive' . The manager raised his eyebrows and chuckled .
'So you're definitely pregnant then' he laughed. I chuckled nervously, why couldn't I shut up ? I needed to stop talking.
' yeah but I need a Dr to confirm you never know' I babbled before launching into statistics on miscarriages, false positives and phantom pregnancies. The manager congratulated me before walking back to the office and I face palmed at my word vomit. I hadn't even told my family yet. I needed to tell them before word got out, my sisters ex boyfriend worked as another manager here after all so it was only a Matter of time. I was going to my dad's after college on Wednesday so I would tell him then. I was particularly worried about his reaction  I knew he would be disappointed but he was always my biggest supporter his criticism was out of worry for me not from judgement. Mum and charm were my biggest worries especially charmian, she would be angry with me. Annie i think would tell me I was stupid, I don't think she liked kids much and she didn't plan on having any of her own.
On wednesday i finally mustered up the courage to tell him. I had both hands wrapped around my mug of tea staring into the golden liquid. ' i think im pregnant' .
Dad's reaction consisted of one clear blue pregnancy test he insisted I buy from the pharmacy immediately and him driving up and down the house in his wheelchair mumbling to himself about how he was going to have to help me financially , a speech on being ready to be a parent and the casual feeling on impending life over doom. Phrases like ' thats it your teenage life is over now' ' I suppose I will have to help you buy your food and things now'. Although his mutterings were nicer than I anticipated the casual assumption that I was somehow inept of feeding myself and my child quickly irritated me. Still I ground my teeth and tried to exclaim my thought process. When i confided in him that i didn't plan on telling my social worker or anyone else, waiting till I had a confirmation scan or turned eighteen dad insisted I tell them something as it wouldn't look good if I hid the pregnancy.
'If they find out before you tell them they will acusse you of hiding it. I know how these people work. It will do against you. They will take that baby if your not careful you need to think about what you're doing' dad lectured waving his hands in the air.
When the social worker saw me a few days later at my dad's house for moral support I told her 'I might have a few appointments coming up I need to go to' which caused a raised eyebrows and a smug look
' do you need to tell me something?' She asked.
' no I  just have appointments coming up' I stumbled. Dad shook his head.      ' just tell her elisha' seething I glared at dad for basically outing me.
' I'm pregnant' I ground out. The social worker smiled condescending at me and I realised she probably already knew. The feeling of betrayal ate at me. Who told her? Dad? I didnt want to think about the hurt at the thought. Her blond curls bounced around her face as she babbled on about medical appointments and big decisions and when the front door shut as she left I felt small and over my head. Was I making the right decision? The assumption that she thought  I wouldn't attend all my midwife appointments or buy the right things was shocking. Surely most people knew to attend all their appointments for the health of their baby or did they just assume because I was 17 I wouldn't care. I tossed and turned that night seething with anger. Really it was a reflection of their own parenting as the Borough had raised me for the last 4 years as I remembered the social worker spitting statistics of education drop out and bad parenting rates due to child hood trauma at me. I wouldn't become a statistic . I would prove them wrong.