The Looked After Child

may-

We ended up strolling up and down the high street clasping eachothers hands for dear life. After the second circuit round the mall and it depressing choices of a poundland and shuttered clothes stores we decided to walk by the river stopping to sit on old historic cannons looking over the river. I felt like I could breathe again and every so often my breath would hitch and shudder, remnants of my crying. Now I was more clear headed I was mortified at my eighteenth century womanly meltdown. Crying was weakness and I hated it but I couldn't help myself. I felt terrified at the fact i wholeheartedly loved him. So much in fact that i couldnt help but glance wearily at him every now and then, it felt like he held my soul on his hands and could crush it at any time. I'd never trusted anyone in my life as much as I was trusting him, I knew I would be ruined and wouldnt be the same without him, These last three weeks had just proved it. I reminded myself that he had always proven himself to be my safe place. He was there when I debated suicide at fifteen, rushing over in just his lounge wear to just walk the streets and be content in eachothers company. He was there when my mum was drunk and I needed a hug and to be told it would all be okay. Matthew was safe, trustworthy and home, still I chewed my lip and wrung my hands at the thought what he could do with me. I wouldnt object either because I knew there was nothing to object to, he could have me to do anything and I would because he knew me better than myself. I trusted him not to abuse that, not to use it selfishly just because he could. Matthew quirked a smile at me as his eyes danced in the sun before he pulled me to him and I rested my head against his shoulder sighing in content and closed my eyes.
I don't think anyone was particularly surprised that we decided to get back together although I was told it was disappointing for them as I deserved so much more , although they never could say what exactly they meant by that. Although our break up seemed like the longest two and a half weeks on the planet they rest of the month flew by. We really quickly fell back into our old routine of meeting in weekends taking walks along the river and the dockyards. My work colleques were back to ignoring my existence since I didn't feel the need to be part of the work ethic of ' were like a family' and college was increasingly boring and anticipated stress free time. I learned I wasn't the most motivated to get work done working a little more than bare minimum, my passion for it was dwindling fast. On top of that the creeping awareness that June and July were round the corner also struck me, usually times when my mum fell into a drinking binge. I hoped she wouldn't just like every year but I knew she would give in and that any day now she would phone me or my sister drunk. It was just a matter of time.
Mum staggered in the door righting herself against the wall as he ankle bent in her heels. Her black trench coat was swamping her thin frame and her usually tan face took on a pasty grey look, her normally blue grey eyes dulled and marbled the corners blood shot and yellow. She was drinking again.
' mum have you been drinking' I asked loud enough that my elder sister would hear me.
' no, I've been to the shop'. I didn't believe her for one second. Charm walked out the kitchen arms crossed and Annie skipped in from behind me from the lounge.
' so where is your shopping bag' I accused eyes narrowing on her empty hands. Mum tittered rolling her eyes at us now collected in the hallway blocking her entrance to the rest of the house.
' girls calm down I went to get fags I don't need a bag for that' . Charm scoffed at her .
' You're drunk mum your all over the place'
' how am I?'
' you just fell through the door mum'
' my heel got caught' mum argued.
' sure whatever' charm sighed. Eye narrowed I took in her coat. It  had deep pockets and was wrapped round her.
' open your coat then and show us your pockets' I told her. Mum eyes widened before her face pinched in annoyance. Taking her coat off and handing it to charmian who patted the coat , sighing in equal parts frustration and relief when she found nothing. She was definitely drinking otherwise she wouldn't have left us on our own or look so pasty. Mum smirked proudly before snatching her coat and hanging in up in the coat cupboard. The wrong coat cupboard. My eyes narrowed as she hung up the jacket and I smiled triumphantly.
' you've definitely been drinking mum , just tell us where you've hidden the drink.' charm coaxed her. Mum huffed at her
' no I haven't you're worrying too much darling' .
' it's in one of the coats." I announced. Mum jolted arms clenching the cupboard handles.
' why would I do that , I've got nothing to hide, I'm not drinking.' mum laughed again . Charm and I shared a look one that said we both just caught the lue through our teeth.
' then you won't mind us having a look'. charm said walking to the coat cupboard the kids jackets were kept and the one she had put her coat.  Mum glared at us before throwing her hands up in the air.
' I don't know what your all accusing me of I haven't done anything wrong , I just went to the shop to get fags,  you found nothing in my coat' . At mums outburst I scoffed at her and turned to the dad cupboard where her coats were kept. Charm forced mum out the way and started searching our jackets for hidden bottles of vodka. Mum crossed her arms glaring and scoffing but her eyes darted nervously bewteen us. There was definitely drink here.
I searched bewteen the bags of dvds and pulled out a coat stuffed down the back. Nothing. Surely she wouldn't be so blatant to just shove behind a hanging coat ? Moving her green coat to the side a bottle of vodka stood on a pile of disney movies and half hidden behind another hanging coat. I yanked it out and thurst it out in front of me.
' not been drinking ay, of course not.' I snarked. Charm sighed closing the doors and shook her head before taking the bottle from me.
' why do you always lie, we know , we always know so just tell us the truth' . Charm fumed.
' oh for fucks sake , why do you always start on me, I can't have anything nice, your a little bitch. Just fuck off' she shouted barging her way thorough us and into the kitchen. I sighed and we shared a look as we looked behind us at Annie stood in the back corner of the hallway.
' did mum get me a barbie?' She asked. I huffed a laugh and groaned.
' no Annie she didn't get you a barbie' charm told her before she stomped upstairs to her room and no doubt tip the alcohol down the bathroom sink.
' but mum promised she'd get me a barbie from the shop' . She whined throwing her arms about.
' well you didn't so shut up and go watch TV ' I growled pushing her in the living room with me flipping through the channels till we found pop girl.