His Star | A mafia story

Do Better

TW: Depression and Self Harm if these might trigger you please skip I will put a warning before to let you know when it starts and after to let you know when it ends.

I had finally made up my mind. I walk up to her bedroom door take a deep breath in and then knock on the door.

" One Minute," I hear her call from inside the room.

As she opens the door she has a look of surprise to see me. " hey uh come on in," she says with a smile.

God why did she have to be so cute. This is gonna break me.

" Lexi we need to talk," I say sitting on the chair at her desk while she sits on the edge of her bed.

" I've been thinking the same thing," She replies talking about our kiss.

I clear my throat and stand up from the chair. " Ivy's dead," I tell her but I find myself quickly exiting the room. I couldn't stand to see her mourning. It would kill me.

I leave the room because I'm a coward.

Lexi's POV:

I was just sitting on my bed not really doing much at the moment when I heard a knock on my door. I go to open the door to see none other then Ash Gordon.

I was hoping that he wanted to talk about what happened the other day but his face was covered in displeasure.

I invite him inside and not a million years could prepare me for the words that came out of his mouth next.

" Ivys dead." He states with very little empathy in his voice yet I could tell something was off. He drops the biggest bombshell of my life and he doesn't try and comfort me. He doesn't say anything. He just quickens his pace and walks out the door.

I'm in shock. I scream. I want to cry, I feel like
I should cry but I can't. My eyes are dry and my emotions can't decide if they want to stay hidden or finally explode.

I've had this feeling for years and the only thing that had kept me going was Ivy but now she's gone.

TW!!!!

I've always wondered if anyone else felt this way. Like they were just a little bit tired of life. Like your body's in the room but your not really there . Like no matter what happens you just don't really care. Like your all alone.

Ash doesn't seem to care. If he doesn't care then no one does. If no one cares then what's the point?

I got myself out of bed and headed downstairs. My face was emotionless. My eyes were dead. I looked like I hadn't slept in weeks.

It was 3 am so luckily very few people were up and around. The night shift guards were standing post but barely even glanced in my direction.

I go to the kitchen and open up the fridge. I grab a can of salsa then go to the pantry to grab some tortilla chips. I pour the salsa into a bowl. Grab a knife from the drawer and head back up to my bedroom.

I sit in my chair at my vanity and look at myself in the mirror. It should have been me.

The thought that I'm alive while she's not is devastating. I can't hold my emotions at bay any longer. I take the knife, roll up my sleeve and I cut.

One for letting him hurt me

Two for letting my father still get to me when he's far away from here.

Three for letting my guard down around Ash

Four for not protecting Ivy

Five for being alive.

I glance in the mirror and all I see are the four words that my father drilled into my brain. After calling me them for the past 17 years. The memories flood my brain like a dam threatening to break.