Kiss my scars <3 - Vinnie Hacker

SIXTEEN

Flashbacks = underline
Yelling = bold
Thoughts = italic's
Thursday Nov.11th

"what is it that you wanted to talk about earlier?"

Alayas pov:

Shit.

"Well um...." I adjusted myself in my chair looking down at my hands. It's a nervous habit I've had since I was a kid. I just can't seem to look someone in the eyes when I know I may hurt them. Well if I'm aware of it at least.

Vinnie suddenly brings his hand forward holding it out for mine. I look up at him placing my hand in his. "Tell me. It can't be that bad right?" Vinnie nervously laughs. "I don't know-"

"Talk to me Alaya" he squeezes my hand in reassurance. "Vinnie Your a good person- a great person actually and um- well if you haven't noticed I'm not- and what I'm trying to say is maybe we should just- I don't know... be friends." His smile drops a little at my statement.

"Is that what you want or is it cause of what polo said" he reply's. Fuck polo he has nothing to do with the decisions I make. I take my hand away from his. I feel upset. It's not his fault he just needs to realize this is how I am.

I'm selfish.

"What are you talking about?" I say crossing my arms getting annoying. He looks hurt. It's not my fault I never said we were anything more than friends. "It just seems like we've been having fun these past couple of days. I like being around you Alaya but friends don't usually do the things we do."

"Again vinnie I never asked you to do things. I can't believe we even have to have this conversation again. Vinnie like I said before we could never be together." I say bluntly not really caring at this point. Does that make me a bad person. Maybe. But I never said I was a good one.

"I can tell your upset let's just talk about it later" How can he be so nice. So understanding. Does he not see how bad I am for him? "There's nothing to talk about."

"Yes there is, your hurt right now. You just lost one of your best friends-" I hate when people can read me it irks me. Why can't he just realize I'm not a good person. "Whatever can you ask for it to go I wanna go home." I say looking away from him.

He nods his head flagging down the waiter letting her know.

————

We get inside my apartment and I go straight to my bathroom locking the door. I stare at myself unimpressed by the reflection across from me. It's crazy how I can go from loving the way I am to hating every simple detail of my existence. Maybe it's the realization that even with the progress I have made it's still not enough.

I'm not a good person and I hate that. I hate how I make people feel. I hate how I feel. It's people like vinnie I envy. So effortlessly kind and sweet without trying. Seeing the best in everyone for what ever crazy reason. Giving people like me countless chances even though I don't deserve it. I don't deserve him.

And that's what he doesn't understand. I don't deserve to be liked let alone loved. A tear slips down my face starting a stream of tears it's like a waterfall. My makeups messed up but I don't care. I never seem to care. I hate this.

This overwhelming feeling that floods my body every time I realize there's something wrong with me. It's not like I don't already know its just I choose to ignore it. Until it eats away at my life ruining potential friendships, relationships, and even long term friendships. It's my fault. It's always my fault.

The door opens a concerned vinnie walking in. "Do you not know how to knock?!?" Vinnie looks at me sympathetically. I hate when people see me cry.

"I'm sorry did I say something earlier to make you upset" he comes up to me embracing me in a hug. "No it's just-" I can't even finish my sentence I feel a lump in my throat as I start to sob not caring about the boy's presence at this point.

"It's okay" he kisses my cheek. How is he like this Im not even hugging him back. "I'm not a good person vinnie" I burry my head into his chest tears still streaming down my face. "You are Alaya even though I've only known you for a couple months I can tell you care even if you don't show it. It's the little things you do that remind me how fragile you really are Laya. You've been mistreated and even though you haven't told me everything. I know your trying and that's all that matters."

What did I tell him?

"What do you mean. What did I tell you?" I pull away from him probably looking a mess. "When you were drunk you told me about your dad and I didn't wanna bring it up again cause I didn't wanna ruin the mood."

He can't be serious.

That only makes me sob harder. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have brought it up." He hugs me once again. But I hug back this time. "Sorry for being a bitch earlier. Your just so nice to me vinnie. I like you but I don't wanna hurt you. That's why I think we should just be friends." I say honestly.

"I like you a lot Alaya no matter how much you hurt me it doesn't change how I see you.-" he pulls my face from his chest to see him, his fingers wiping the tears that stream down my face. "-Your perfect in my eyes" he pulls me into a gentle kiss almost like he's scared he'll break me.

I wanna stay like this forever.

"Let's go eat" I nod my head in response. "Lemme wash my face first" I say almost coming out as a whisper. He sits on my counter watching me as I take out my cleansing water and some cotton rounds wiping my face of all the smudged makeup. "can we smoke- like before we eat" I ask out of the blue.

"yeah whatever you want" He responds with a slight smile. "sorry I just don't feel good and it makes me calm down so-"

"you don't have to explain yourself Alaya its alright" He reassures me.

------------

"so you pulled up to his hotel" vinnie and me laugh simultaneously. We're currently smoking a blunt talking about my tragic past with my ex. "To be fair I knew he had another bitch with him so I had my reasons." I take another hit of the blunt relaxing me. "You know vinnie I can't believe you got cheated on" I pass the blunt back to him sinking into my couch. "And why is that?"

"Your perfect what more can you really ask for in a guy" I reply. "Well to be fair my ex did get around but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt but I guess I was wrong" So him being naive isn't new? good to know. its like every time we talk I find another reason why we wouldn't work. But I cant tell if its just me being negative as always or the fact that even if it didn't work I cant help but think vinnie would somehow make it work. He seems like he doesn't give up very easily. I wonder what he see's in me.

"why do you like me?" I blurt out without a second thought. "Like what made you interested in me." Vinnie smirks at me exhaling the smoke from his plump lips. "Honestly since I first saw you I thought you were beautiful. I liked that you didn't care who I was, most girls try to throw themselves at me cause of who I am, I never go for it though. But when you approached me I couldn't help myself. I never really hook up with people but when you came along it was different. The way you approached me and then left without a care of who I was attracted me to you. All the girls I've been with have been clingy but not you. Your hard to figure out sometimes but I like that. I feel like I know you but also like there's a lot more to learn about you and I look forward to it." He rambles. I didn't expect that answer.

I figured it would be something along the lines of how I suck the fuck out of his dick but that was even better. "You also suck dick really good" I burst into laughter and so does vinnie. "Way to ruin a moment Hacker" I say shaking my head. "What are we doing tomorrow" Vinnie ask.

"So you still plan on dealing with me?" I question. "What do you mean?" He reply's. "I figured after today you'd probably go home and block me or something."

"Like I said Alaya nothing you do can change the way I see you." He passes the blunt back to me. "Don't you have to go home it's been a while"

"Do you want me to?" Vinnie laya back on my coach. "I want you to stay. But I don't wanna make it seem like you have to if you don't want to." I respond.

"No Alaya I want to."
———————————————
Author:
They're so cute.