apexeno vol 1

2.6 Monster Pregnancy

Puberty hit Renata like a tempest. Suddenly her body ached, cramped, and leaked. Parts of her became sensitive while other parts produced warm pleasure. When Kelly caught her touching these parts, she slapped her hands away. This deeply injured Renata; she didn't know what she had done wrong. She hadn't understood privacy then. Even into puberty, Kelly helped her wash and maintain hygiene.

Renata had no inkling of sex. Kelly knew she would one day have to teach her about it, but how to broach the subject and convey its meaning without the aid of pictures and words? She had taught her some braille using piano time as a bargaining chip, but at that point Renata only possessed a kindergarten vocabulary. Besides, what was the hurry? Renata had no social life outside the house, and Kelly couldn't picture any of her boy piano students being so brazen and callous as to put the moves on a helpless, deaf-mute right under her nose. But she had forgotten just how bold and unscrupulous teenage boys could be.

One afternoon, when Renata went to the bathroom, a student followed her in. He didn't force himself on her. He just started to touch her between the legs, and Renata's body responded. Just when it was starting to feel good, the boy went limp and pulled out. He left right afterward, and she never encountered him again. Only later would Renata learn the word rape. Even then, she was never certain whether it applied to herself. Hadn't she wanted it?

When Renata became pregnant, she didn't know what was happening and didn't connect it at first to that brief moment of passion in the bathroom. She was grateful her periods had stopped, but other changes were much less pleasant. She felt nauseous. Sitting at the piano was suddenly uncomfortable.

Carrying the pregnancy to term was never in doubt. Kelly did not believe in abortion, and Renata would not have known how to choose for herself. For the last eight weeks, she was confined to bed. Not being able to play the piano was torture. Kelly got her a keyboard, but it wasn't the same as the Steinway whose vibrations could be felt through the floors and walls of the sprawling ranch-style house. The changes in her body were unsettling, the tightness and squishiness of everything, the inner churnings and squelches. When the infant kicked for the first time, she thought her heart had stopped.

It was during this time Renata started to read in earnest. Reading had always seemed a chore, but now she desperately needed something to distract her mind. Plodding at first, she quickly picked up speed. Lying alone in bed through the long days, her mind's eye was opened to a world she barely knew existed. She started to understand how other people regarded their bodies and why Kelly had slapped her hands away from touching her vagina. She felt shame for the first time.

Delivering the baby was a delirium of pain. Never before or after would she experience something so agonizing and terrible. It wasn't just the physical discomfort but the utter lack of control. It was like her body was trying to expunge itself of a parasite. A few years later, as soon as she had full rights as an adult, she would have herself sterilized. Never again.

The baby was taken away right after birth. She never held it, nor did she want to. She felt no attachment or affection for it. In her mind, it was some kind of monster.

Renata returned to the piano where raging hormones and raw emotions translated into bold, jarring cascades.